SPOTTED: Darth Vader celebrates World Youth Day in Sydney

First Darth Vader was spotted collecting water while taking a bath at the beach, now he is spotted at World Youth Day in Sydney, could this be some sort of evidence that he is attempting to create his own holy water, is he trying to take sides in a holy war? is Christianity really the Dark Side? you decide.

Darth Vader World Youth Day Can you Digg it?Digg TechnoratiTechnorati BlinklistBlinklist FurlFurl redditReddit

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Environmentalists: Unstable Freaks.

Close your eyes and let your imagination take you away to a pristine wonderland of fire flies and protest marches. Where all people are treated kindly, and greeted with a friendly Elven melody and picnic by the lake. The primary goals of this mystical society are to worship squirrels and consume seaweed, and everyone walks around in robes, chanting like an injured whale. If you decided that all this magical land talk is flagrantly shit, then you might be wondering what the deal is with these goddamn environmentalists. They’re so fucking stupid. The first thing that comes to mind about environmentalists is they are all statistically proven dickwads, and the second is their rank bodily odor.

Most hippies will tell you it’s evil to eat animals. This is because they are missing a chromosome. Lions eat other animals all the time, and I don’t see any stank environment hoes going up to lions and saying, “excuse me, um lion? could you like, stop eating animals? k thanx”. And it’s not like humans eat the rarest animals. Restaurants don’t serve any goddamn “ornate eagle ray” burgers, or “Siberian tiger” milkshakes. I don’t see “cows” or “sheep” on the endangered species list, and although hen’s teeth are rare, I’m pretty sure that’s because hens don’t fucking have teeth–not because chickens are extinct. So the next time some vegetarian complains to me about the meat I’m eating, I will spit my half chewed panda burger at her goddamn eye.

Pandas, Tigers, Ornate Eagle Rays: nobody even eats this stuff.

Most hippies originally gain their psychotic tree loving urges at second rate universities, where they enrol in, and fail, arts degrees. The general kick ass nature of modern universities ensures that loser freshmen will be automagically excluded from all forms of social activity. This turns their first year of study into a resounding disappointment. So the next year, as a form of social self defence, these mentally malformed miscreants tend to join left wing organisations, like tree loving societies and communist crews. Communist crews usually don’t have the same stigma of tree sex that hippie groups typically exude, but they deserve a mention because their membership is also comprised of people who you used to beat up in highschool.

Over the years there have been thousands of tree fucking societies, but the only plan they ever come up with is to get arrested on camera while yelling about Ghandi. It is the same plan every goddamn time. I often wonder what goes down in these planning rooms. I think the main guy would say something like: “Hey, remember how we protested about 74 times, accomplished nothing, and got the shit beaten out of us by the cops? Well we could solve global warming by doing that again!” Expert officials were quick to warn these protesting idiots that nobody gave a fuck about their goddamn ramblings, however hippies have been slow to heed this advice. Some inside sources say this is because hippies are fucking lobotomized hamsters.

Strip Mines are a perfectly logical part of preserving our Earth, as is seal clubbing.

Environmentalists were cool in the ’60s, when they used drugs and women. But now they’re a bunch of pansies that annoy me. The most annoying hippy subset is the political hippy. The average hippy politician has what he feels is a solid platform of policies, which basically consist of chanting “trees make air” repeatedly, while masturbating and listening to Enya. Environmentalism would be cool if more drug dealers and rock stars supported it, but that would require hippy politics to involve things like chopping down trees with platinum chainsaws while snorting cocaine and listening to Iron Maiden. And I don’t think that gels with the average hippy’s political mindset, which, by all accounts, revolves around a hallucination of four gay leprechauns square-dancing in a barn.

Environmentalists also hate zoos, and all zoo-like establishments. What the fuck is wrong with a zoo-like establishment? Haven’t you ever seen a lion sitting around in a tiny cage all day? Those guys just love that shit! In the wild, lions live in cages anyway, so I don’t know what the hell these tree fucking insect collectors are going on about. Strung out hippies rave on about how keeping pets is mean. But I have some news for these lice infested motherfuckers: I don’t think many cats complain about living in an air conditioned house, as opposed to cozy residences in a sewer with the delicious gourmet meal of a diseased rat corpse. Next these hippies will propose a ban of technology and a return to life on the land, then society can finally dismiss everything they ever say, because they will have become Amish.

See how happy this caged lion is? Also note how radiant this whale carcass looks.

Hippies are also opposed to harpooning whales. Do we really want to sacrifice the lucrative global blubber industry just so a few million pieces of rubber can send retarded sonar vibrations around the ocean? The proper answer is no. Any fool can see that it’s politically correct to rid the ocean of all whales. This will finally allow a sacred alliance of giant squid to rule the seven seas. Also, if it turns out that we actually needed whales for something, like a giant wall of aquatic sand bags, then it’s not like we won’t be able to grow one in a laboratory by next June. As soon as Christopher Reeve makes it okay for humans to build biological monstrosities, then scientists can make all the whales you want. You can even take home a cloned gerbil, on the house–you beast loving son of a bitch.

Perhaps the most damning thing about enviro-scum is that they have some mysterious opposition to the basic human right of mining nuclear material. How the hell are we supposed to give the world it’s critical supply of explosions if we’re not allowed to pursue God’s pristine aim of stripping the Earth to its barren core? If we aren’t allowed to mine uranium or plutonium, then what the fuck are we going to mine? Pandas? I don’t think so buddy. It has now been conclusively proven by a worldological expert that hippies are boring losers. In fact, if you look up page 743 of the Concise Yo Wassup Dictionary, you’ll find a picture of me cutting a fucking tree in half with a sword. Can you Digg it?Digg TechnoratiTechnorati BlinklistBlinklist FurlFurl redditReddit

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Gambling: Domain of the mouse-minded.

Kids need to learn more about life at a younger age. That’s why I want them to serve as croupiers in casinos. Gambling can teach a kid wonderful things about life, such as the fact that your entire destiny is cruelly based on some random chance. Ethiopian kids will be able to put their lives in a much better perspective if they realise that their chances of being born in a rich part of the world were like those in a game of craps. And they rolled a pair of snake eyes. No need to feel bad about it boys, just drown your sorrows in the alcohol that, as native Ethiopians, you cannot even afford.

But we’re not here to discuss poverty stricken Africans. We’re here to learn about gambling. The best thing about gambling is that it involves rewards that come without effort, and the second best is that you can speed up this process by cheating. Usually you shouldn’t cheat at a casino, because they have lots of excellent anti-cheat measures, which you have no doubt seen in the scientific documentary “Casino”. The best places to cheat are at illegal gambling dens, where everyone carries a six-shooter and wears spurs. It may seem risky to cheat at these places, however, luckily they are usually populated by the dregs of society, who are too busy soaking themselves in bottom-shelf bourbon to pay any attention to your cheating ways.

World History of Gambling

If you have ever been to a casino though, you know what I mean when I talk about desperate freaks. The places are filled with what look like used car salesman, betting the house on one final shot at a chance to own a third share in a prize greyhound syndicate. Always with the syndicates. Gambling people are obsessed with that type of shit. They keep detailed logs of their exploits, noting precise figures about hands dealt, hands lost, and of course profit. We had to come to profit eventually, and it’s the funniest part. These brain-dead hyenas go to the trouble of keeping logs for years on end, yet at no point during that period do they find the time to note that they have earnt precisely minus a hundred thousand dollars in the last three years. They just keep on going, hoping things will get better; like a beaten wife, three years into an abusive relationship.

So what you have is a bunch of fucking delusional freaks running around the casino, clutching next week’s pay check, which they got on credit by hocking their TV set, and they’re all trying to believe that this night will be any different from the other. It’s pretty fun to watch these sad creatures, and every time I see somebody lose it all, I wonder why there aren’t more Columbine-like scenarios in Casinos. After some consideration, I have scientifically concluded that the reason is because Casinos were officially invented by organised crime. Not even a psycho fucks with organised crime.

Corporate Crime Mob War Lords

That’s a great part of casino culture: even if you have no gangster friends of your own, you can at least have the privilege of hanging out in a gangster-owned establishment. And, if you are lucky, you will be able to take heaps of gangster money [and towels, soap, bed linen, pillows, television sets, bedside dressers, etc.] home with you. This method of (il)legitimately ripping off gangsters has officially been named the “haha, you can’t do anything about it” method of doing business, and has proven popular with people who drive decked-out white Cadillacs down the Vegas strip while under the influence of ether, lsd, and mescaline.

Another fun thing to do at casinos is make up all types of weird shit in order to confuse people who actually take it seriously. Instead of saying things like “snake eyes” to acknowledge a pair of 1’s, I like to shout something like “triple white-rhino”, or “moose-hoof twelve”. I think this fits in with my overall career goal of finally becoming a bingo announcer. Instead of saying things like “legs eleven,” I will stick to more helpful and socially responsible commentary, such as “Hahahahaha. You are all old. So the competition is over, and I have won.” Hopefully the old people would then return to their wallet making duties as I made off with the loot.

[ PLEASE NOTE: After an urgent scientific enquiry, I have decided to classify gambling as “shit”, because although gambling can be fun at times, the best part of it is to just watch the addicted people lose their houses. In a depressing, yet astoundingly funny way, it makes me realise how fucking pathetic 16.5% of society really is. PS. Mobsters rule. ] Can you Digg it?Digg TechnoratiTechnorati BlinklistBlinklist FurlFurl redditReddit

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Darth Vader takes a Bath.

I was sent an email by an Eat Lard follower with the following image.

Darth Vader takes a Bath

Quality.. Can you Digg it?Digg TechnoratiTechnorati BlinklistBlinklist FurlFurl redditReddit


FUCTIONARY - Complete online dirty proverb dictionary. - ever heard of the term Bait n Tackle? according to the recent discoveries at, the sailors from the old Navy days used this one. Before you go off for a long, lonely voyage, get yourself a tall jar and fill itcompletely with earthworms. When you get lonely, open the jar and fuck away. The earthworms will provide some slitherystimulation, and your protein load will keep them nicely nourished. Gone fishin’!

That’s right, this website is rank, and this is why it’s this months feature website. The site does need a bit of touching up but in my opinion quality content outranks presentation. If there are any arty farty people out there who would be interested in doing a bit of HTML work I can pass on the message. Can you Digg it?Digg TechnoratiTechnorati BlinklistBlinklist FurlFurl redditReddit