Archive for April, 2008

Blogging: It’s for Lard Arses.

Tuesday, April 22nd, 2008

One of the hippest new trends amongst complete fucking tools is to keep a blog with all your suicidal thoughts in it. Blogs are bullshit diaries where some pussy cries about how lame his day was, and how much he hates his life… meanwhile, we’re supposed to read this load of turd every day and provide thoughtful responses. Please. Give me a fucking break. If I ever catch a blogger on the street I’ll give him a Columbian necktie. The sheer amount of people out there who think others are interested in their daily routine is mind boggling.

Now you can show the whole world why no one listens to you.

If you’re a superhero, mafia kingpin, or porn star, I want to read your blog. If not, can you please get a new fucking hobby? I’m sick of all these depressed losers talking shit about how they hate acne and homework. “My teacher sucks,” “My favorite band aren’t playing until November,” “My girlfriend dumped me,” guess what winners?! Nobody fucking cares about your house-brown pedestrian lives; you pigs make me sick - find a new trough to wallow in.

It’s not like teenagers have anything proper to be depressed about. The most important event in a teenager’s life is the MTV music awards. To illustrate my point, here is a simulated blog entry I prepared earlier:

Life is stopid              [Apr 22nd, 2008|07:06 pm]
[ mood |  aggravated ]
[ music | Nirvana ]

Life is so dumb and stopid.

Today my teacher tried to make me do work he is so
stopid who does he think he is doesnt he know girls
just wanna have fun

But no I cant have fun because life is stopid and i
hate everything like this morning i tried to eat my
favorite breakfast which is nutfeast but can u
believe this there wasnt even any nutfeast what is
wrong with my stopid mom??? doesnt she realiz how
important nutfeast is to my broken heart why is life
so dum and hard i just want to have fun like cindi
lauper but now i will haf to kill myself.


link                                      comments [0]

There should be a new law that forces people to have an interesting career if they want to publish a blog. I don’t want to hear about Good Charlotte fans who forgot to do their homework, I want to hear about a kick ass Romanian lion tamer who hunts down Russian criminals for fun on the weekends. I want to read the blogs of Bolivian drug barons, European playboys, and Jewish bankers who rule the world. Instead, all I get is some dumb animal crying about her broken necklace. Fuck the world.

Monkey see Monkey do, go FUCK yourself.

Most amusingly, these blogging freaks think they’re being unique. They all believe that typing a few sentences of garbage each day into a generic template makes them an original website owner. Every single one of these sad monstrosities chooses to ignore the 1,000,000+ other blogs that are languishing in obscurity out there on the web, in the lame belief that their subnormal thoughts will somehow convince the world to drop everything, get to a computer, and focus on their pissy little diary. Christ, what a bunch of morons.

If you observe these depressed teenagers you’ll notice some similarities. They all think they’re highly talented and intelligent. Another predominate trait is the belief that they are different from others and deserve special treatment. But looking closer, we often find their cryptic claims to intelligence are at best dubious. When asked to prove how smart he is, the depressed teenager will usually retract in fear: in his mind, simply declaring himself smart and original was enough to prove he was a genius - he had never considered the possibility of having to demonstrate his abilities.

amen to this.For a bunch of smart people, these depressed freaks often turn out to be surprisingly dumb. They claim to be highly creative and unique, but if they are, then why do they all act the same? They all write sorrowful blogs, they all used to be goths, and they are all total lamers. The only unique thing about these fools is their fingerprints - although these may have been sliced off during their goth phase.

And in a nutshell, that’s the problem with almost every depressed teenager. They’re insecure, stupid little wimps who hide from their shortcomings by pretending to be something they aren’t. They aren’t tortured and they aren’t talented; they’re definitely not unique. They’re just a bunch of average chumps trying to get some cheap attention. They’re chasing the trend, wherever it may lead them. Eternal Fan Boys.

telemarketers: To be considered foxes, and therefore hunted.

Thursday, April 17th, 2008

Overall, the telephone has proven to be a pretty useful invention, but it’s become clear that some categories of people should just be fucking banned from using it. These people have proven time and again that they are annoying losers, who need to be shot in the heart. It’s pretty obvious that I’m talking about telemarketers. Mostly because this page is named ‘telemarketers’, and there are pictures of telemarketers. But even more than that, it should be obvious because you’ve all been annoyed by telemarketers in the past, unless you live in the Bangweulu swampland of Zambia, in which case you’re probably viewing this webpage using an abacus hooked up to a morse code machine.

But back to the topic at hand. These telemarketers aren’t just annoying, they’re the goddamn definition of stupid. The idea of commerce works because people go to a shop when they want to buy something, not when the shop wants them to buy something. If shops were like, built on the top of giant trucks, and one day your door bell rang and starbucks was outside asking you to pay $6 for a coffee, I’m sure you’d tell them to get the hell off your property. The concept isn’t a hard one to grasp: if I want to buy your shit I will look you up in the phonebook and give you a call, champion.


The moral of the story here is to not take any shit from these motherfuckers. They are not selling anything you want; they’re reading their information out from a goddamn sheet. And when they make a sale they hang up the phone and laugh at you. Yes, that’s why they always sound so fucking gay when they speak to you, it’s because they’re not even speaking to you, they are reading to you. These telemarketing companies employ 16 year old drug addicted high school dropouts to man the phones and read from a sheet. These little bitches can be annoying, but luckily they are easily defeated in battle, as they have not been taught much in the ways of the phone warrior.

Experienced telemarkewhores are a whole different ballgame. These bitches have been studying the art of annoyance for many years, and are capable of making you feel guilty for hanging up at any moment in the conversation that isn’t one of their own choosing. It can be very difficult to defeat these medusas, unless you remember one vital rule: all telemarketers are spineless scum-creatures who sold their soul to the devil long before you ever met them. So the next time you start feeling guilty about hanging up on a telemarketer, you should just get her address, go to her house, and cut her fucking head off.

I hope they get brain tumors and die.

People who work in call centers are also fucked in the head. They treat everyone like assholes, just because they have to deal with a few retards every day. Well fuckwits, if you didn’t want to deal with the odd retard here and there, then you shouldn’t work in a goddamn call center. It’s a well known fact that call center operators have to deal with a fairly high percentage of idiotic calls, but that isn’t the fault of the average person. So these smarmy gits should learn to lighten up when they serve me. I hate these fucking public servants who think they can treat everyone (by everyone, I mean: people who are superior to them) like shit, just because they made the supremely idiotic career decision of actually working in such a retarded job.

This surly and bitter attitude is present in all dreg of society occupations, most notably the highschool canteen lady, administrative educational staff of all kinds, and nuns. Hey, you guys wrecked your own lives, that doesn’t give you the right to try and fan molecules of your own turd existence into my daily affairs by acting like complete anus biters. All public servants should be officially relegated to a lower social class. That way I could ceremoniously slap them on the face using a glove with a brick in it if they ever showed the slightest sign of disrespect toward me.

Mr. Miyagi: He will kick your ass.

Wednesday, April 16th, 2008

Today we investigate the life of government strongman Mr. Miyagi. Mr. Miyagi is known to have killed at least 94 bad guys in his life and also has won a medal for being an alcoholic. Other achievements of Mr. Miyagi include inventing karate and Japan.

Mr. Miyagi will chop off your face.Mr. Miyagi can solve all problems. Even problems which involve nuclear attacks and the mafia are nothing for Mr. Miyagi. Mr. Miyagi can do anything, including fly. Other things Mr. Miyagi can do include drink 18 gallons of alcohol and break car windows. It is also rumored that Mr. Miyagi invented rice and pelicans. Some observers are quick to note that Mr. Miyagi is small, and they wonder if he is very tough in battle, but the durable Mr. Miyagi has a protective coating of Japaneseness which is able to withstand any attack.

If Mr. Miyagi had to fight against a monster he would win. Even if the monster had super powers, Mr. Miyagi would still kill it. The fight would start out in an arena with Mr. Miyagi and the monster circling each other. The monster would have a spear and Mr. Miyagi would have a weighted net. There would be a large audience wagering quatloos on the newcomer. What I am trying to say is the beginning of the fight would for some reason be exactly like an episode of Star Trek.

Mr Miagi KO enemyHowever, this paltry arena could hold neither a monster or Mr. Miyagi for long. After a while the monster would do a running football tackle against Mr. Miyagi, forcing the elderly Asian man to skyrocket into the air in a gigantic spinning lariat attack that would propel both Mr. Miyagi and the monster through the walls of the arena and out into space. At this point it is prudent to note that both monsters and Mr. Miyagi can survive in space without a spacesuit.

Mr. Miyagi would then chop the monster’s stupid face off with his fists until it was dead and then swim around triumphantly in its blood. This would be a reminder to all the monsters out there not to pick a fight with a karate master. Then Mr. Miyagi would fly back to the arena. Daniel san would appear and congratulate Mr. Miyagi. Mr Miyagi would pull out a giant pair of chopsticks and catch Daniel san like a fly, then he would flip him out into space. At this point it is prudent to note that Daniel san cannot survive in space without a spacesuit.

Mr Miyagi teaching how to kick ass.Experts have predicted that if Mr. Miyagi opened a world-wide school of awesomeness he would have at least 78 million students within the first three seconds of enrolment. Subjects at the International Mr. Miyagi School of Awesomeness will include how to beat people up and how to become more Asian. Intensive Asianology classes will be held for students who are unfamiliar with the overall Mr. Miyagi culture. To graduate from this presitigious college you will need to kill at least seven bad guys with your bare hands and also possibly a knife or gun.

Upon graduation from the Mr. Miyagi School of Awesomeness you will officially rock and there will be professional recognition in the form of a badge. Gifted students will also be punched in the face. What the hell do you expect from us here, a scholarship? We’re a school of awesomeness, not a charity. The Institute of Mr. Miyagi Rules will pick certain graduates to conduct top-secret international assignments involving death and the King of Asia - all graduates who refuse to accept a mission will be shot in the head.

Mr Miyagi pimpin\' it upLet’s review why Mr. Miyagi is awesome: he is strong, asian, and he invented pelicans. Some scholars have disputed the claim that Mr. Miyagi invented pelicans but these people were all crazy and are now dead. It is important to note that neither Mr. Miyagi or I were involved in the deaths of these scholars. Of course law requires me to state that Mr. Miyagi’s DNA was found at the crime scene, but this irrelevent “fact” has nothing to do with everything Mr. Miyagi says being correct.

Let me put it to you this way gangsters. If you mess with the Miyagi crew some dude is just gonna walk up and stab you in the head. Then you’ll be lying in the gutter with your face stabbed off and the last thing you’ll think of before you die is that you shouldn’t have messed with the Miyagi crew. Then some guy will stamp his cigarette out on your chest and say “seeya, wouldn’t wanna be ya,” then he will say “Miyagi-Side: you and I know it’s the best side.”

Dancing: seriously wtf?

Tuesday, April 15th, 2008

Many years ago - possibly under the influence of psychotropic drugs - humans invented dancing. Ever since then the males of the species have been trying to figure out a way to un-invent dancing, but to no avail. Each year women gain more power over the male sex through the cunning use of dancing. I hate dancing.

Professional Git Attracts the Pussy while DancingIf you are some kind of spastic, then you probably enjoy dancing. Either that, or you’re a woman. Women enjoy dancing because it is the only situation on Earth in which they have an advantage over men. Women know that all straight men are spasmodic dancers, and that is why women enjoy dancing. Women around the world have put countless hours into the “art” of dancing, just so they can be better than men. Intelligently, men seem to have realised that dancing is boring, and isn’t worth the effort, so for the most part they just don’t bother.

Lard Ass DancingIf you walk into a night club and you look around you will see about 100 people dancing. If this is your first time in a club, you will probably become freaked out. Is society really like this? Is there some sort of world wide cult that is dedicated to this seemingly idiotic activity? Of course there isn’t. The only reason people dance is so that they can have sex later on. That is the whole reason for dancing; unless you count the backup reason, which states that “it’s funny to watch stupid people twitch monstrously.”

The moment that an adult male actually makes the conscious decision to begin dancing, is for me the funniest. You will often see a look of worried reluctance on the subject’s face, indicating the intelligent part of their mind telling them to just sit the hell down. This is usually followed by a defiant “What the hey? I only live once,” kind of look, which usually looks something like a cross between a disgruntled rhinocerous and a loser wearing a silk shirt on a dance floor.

People who mistakenly begin dancing are usually thinking something like “So what if I’m a bad dancer? Surely nobody will make fun of me for such a minor thing, and if they do, well they aren’t a nice person!” Well, as the people pictured above and below have discovered, deciding whether or not to dance can be a career decision, so choose wisely. I’m not saying that if you start dancing somebody is immediately going to come out of nowhere and take your picture so that I can put it on this site, I’m merely insinuating it.

wtf are you doing?

But back to the point at hand. Most people find at one time or another that they need to dance in order to get what they want. This is because everyone wants sex, and also because sex is cool. I think the only type of dancing that isn’t dedicated to sex is line dancing. I haven’t quite worked out what line dancing is dedicated to, although I have worked out that it isn’t natural. My expert CSI-Miami analysis of line dancing has also revealed that it is practiced by “fat old freaks” and “people who live in Kansas.”

So yeah, the sex part. Don’t all you dancing idiots think there might be some other way of getting chicks to let you hump them? Perhaps a way that doesn’t involve you flapping your arms about in a gyrating display of idiocy? Let’s be honest here, most people resemble a psychotic flamingo with a skin disease when they dance. Do women really want this? I don’t think so chief. If you can’t pick up a girl in normal life, I highly doubt your chances of succeeding in a sexed up meat market that is populated by people whose profession is to make fun of people like you.

Kick in the NutsHaven’t you prancing losers realised that women use dancing as a sexual weapon against you? It’s quite easy to spot these girls. They are all hot, they wear basically nothing, and they go dancing every weekend. But they never let you take them home. Apparently, they are there “just to dance.” Apparently, they are out and out liars. These chicks get a kick out of denying men. The only reason they are there is to laugh at how pathetic your patented ‘flamingo’ manoeuvre is, and also to get free drinks off you.

So there you have it. Dancing: a worldwide government conspiracy concocted by women in order to laugh at and control men. There is one exception to this, and that is moshing. Moshpits are pretty cool places, and you can get heaps of free stuff there, like wallets, shoes, and a swift blow to the skull. I would like to see moshing taught at the academy of national ballet dancers. In fact, all ballet classes should be abandoned and moshing should be renamed to ballet.

Please note: The effect of psychotropic drugs completely negates everything I have just said. It is a well known fact that everybody who is on ecstasy is a perfect dancer and can officially touch the sky.

YUM _sqlite.OperationalError: database is locked

Tuesday, April 15th, 2008

Firstly I state, I dislike yum, and i dislike Fedora, unfortunately sometimes we must deal with such crappy file package managers..

back to the point, yum is coming up with a random error stating that it cannot install your package because sqlite is blocked.

You’re thrown with a heap of uncaught python exceptions and the final error message is:

_sqlite.OperationalError: database is locked

I’ve had a quick look on google but couldn’t find anything helpful, one stated to start NFSLock, and the other was some other random blurb, my solution was this,

rm -rf /var/cache/yum

there that should do it..

I suspect that the cause of this was because i kill -9′ed the yum process, and it had not closed the sqlite database correctly.