Drugs: Mad fun.

April 8th, 2008 | by sour |

Drugs: Mad fun Most scholars agree: drugs are the best. In fact, professor Smartguy from Elite university in Space recently suggested drugs are responsible for “every good thing that has ever happened.” In response to allegations that good things happened before drugs were invented, professor Smartguy said drugs actually “travelled back in time” and made those things happen. Reports that drugs are responsible for the movie “Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure” have so far been proven true. Unfortunately, drugs were unable to destroy Keanu Reeve’s post Bill & Ted career.

fear and loathing in las vagas

As a good samaritan, I heartily recommend drugs to you. These miraculous things have been proven to solve every problem on Earth - or your money back. It’s as simple as that. Some people believe drug dealers are merciless scoundrels, but that is simply not true. In reality, drug dealers are nice guys who invented all sorts of friendly things, like pillows and sunday afternoons. The most common pastime of the drug dealer is to sit by the lake and dine on tea and scones; this is a Scientology proven fact, so there is no use arguing against it.

Drugs are a necessary addition to the life of anyone who isn’t a flaming turd burgler. A respected Scientologist has recently proven that taking drugs is beneficial. You see, drugs are elite, and you are what you eat. Don’t you want to be made of elite? Well now you can! All you have to do is freebase cocaine, and possibly inject heroin into your bloodstream. Don’t worry if your vein collapses, as God has cleverly provided us with lots of different blood vessels to shoot up in. That guy is always one step ahead.

Once there was an urban myth that drugs kill people. Can you believe that? Some miscreant actually accused drugs of harming God’s children. I will not stand for these ludicrous accusations. You can do as many drugs as you want for the timespan of forever, and you will still retain perfect health. Ozzy Osbourne is a prime example of this fact. So basically what I am saying is drugs are a perfect substitute for exercise, and have precisely zero negative effects. Unless you count “turn you into a rockstar” as a negative effect, which you well might if your name is Gary Glitter.

Here is a photo of my bedroom.

My next point about drugs is extremely important: drugs need to be glorified more in the movies. I know many movies feature horn-inducing women consuming all sorts of drugs, but it’s not enough. Kids need to learn at an early age that drugs are a friendly sort of thing, like a cartoon character or the alphabet. Hollywood already produces a stellar array of drug endorsements - like Charlie Sheen - but they could be doing more. For instance, a movie with “drugs” in the leading role would be a fine idea. I’m not sure what the plot would be, although I assume it would chiefly revolve around footage of a large pile of opium.

Drugs for breakfast lunch and tea.Drugs are often hated on by politicians and unions of angry housewives. That is amusing, since these cookie baking bitches are often hepped up on prescription drugs. Politicians, like the cocaine-addicted-chimpanzee George Bush, are also drug users. Although they are usually addicted to much cooler drugs than their housewife counterparts. These lawmakers and laundry sweepers need to hurry up and understand that drugs fund their goddamn governments, and stop them from realising that nobody gives a fuck about their shitted-out daytime television lives.

Ben Cousins taking drugsOnce you are under the influence of drugs you will find that several things about the world are cooler in a fundamental way: you don’t give a fucking shit about them anymore. Trivial time wasters like “careers” and “love interests” will be brushed aside in your new quest to sit around and look at a wall. Other great things about being a drug addict are “having no money,” and who could forget the timeless classic “being hunted down by a dealer.” Drugs are pound for pound the best thing that has ever happened to society. If something better comes along, like basketball mixed with hoverboards and naked chicks, then all you have to do is add drugs, and it will be automatically better.

I encourage people to take drugs before entering environments like “work” and “automobiles.” If everyone was on drugs, then life would be a lot more straight forward. People would know their roles. Men would meet a female and they’d either have sex, or the man would make the female bring him food - like lions! This is obviously a more efficient and correct method of structuring society, as it allows people like me to do whatever the fuck I want. In conclusion, drugs should be made compulsory for all children, because although most kids seem to be learning, some poor souls are still missing out on the life-giving message that drugs spread.

The first 100 commentee’s will receive an Eat Lard Duke Drug Introduction Pack, this pack includes two bags of grass, seventy-five pellets of mescaline, five sheets of high powered blotter acid, a salt shaker half full of cocaine, a whole galaxy of multi-colored uppers, downers, screamers, laughers. Also a quart of tequila, a quart of rum, a case of beer, a pint of raw ether and two dozen amyls.

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2 Responses to “Drugs: Mad fun.”

  1. By Ron Dizzle on Apr 19, 2008

    Wow…this is either the most sarcastic, or most ridiculous thing I’ve ever read…Congratulations!

  2. By Copha on Apr 22, 2008

    You know. You don’t have it right. You don’t even know what true lard is in it’s purest form. You’re just an imposter trying to milk all you can from the word LARD. You don’t know Lard unless you have had lard!

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