Mr. Miyagi: He will kick your ass.

April 16th, 2008 | by sour |

Today we investigate the life of government strongman Mr. Miyagi. Mr. Miyagi is known to have killed at least 94 bad guys in his life and also has won a medal for being an alcoholic. Other achievements of Mr. Miyagi include inventing karate and Japan.

Mr. Miyagi will chop off your face.Mr. Miyagi can solve all problems. Even problems which involve nuclear attacks and the mafia are nothing for Mr. Miyagi. Mr. Miyagi can do anything, including fly. Other things Mr. Miyagi can do include drink 18 gallons of alcohol and break car windows. It is also rumored that Mr. Miyagi invented rice and pelicans. Some observers are quick to note that Mr. Miyagi is small, and they wonder if he is very tough in battle, but the durable Mr. Miyagi has a protective coating of Japaneseness which is able to withstand any attack.

If Mr. Miyagi had to fight against a monster he would win. Even if the monster had super powers, Mr. Miyagi would still kill it. The fight would start out in an arena with Mr. Miyagi and the monster circling each other. The monster would have a spear and Mr. Miyagi would have a weighted net. There would be a large audience wagering quatloos on the newcomer. What I am trying to say is the beginning of the fight would for some reason be exactly like an episode of Star Trek.

Mr Miagi KO enemyHowever, this paltry arena could hold neither a monster or Mr. Miyagi for long. After a while the monster would do a running football tackle against Mr. Miyagi, forcing the elderly Asian man to skyrocket into the air in a gigantic spinning lariat attack that would propel both Mr. Miyagi and the monster through the walls of the arena and out into space. At this point it is prudent to note that both monsters and Mr. Miyagi can survive in space without a spacesuit.

Mr. Miyagi would then chop the monster’s stupid face off with his fists until it was dead and then swim around triumphantly in its blood. This would be a reminder to all the monsters out there not to pick a fight with a karate master. Then Mr. Miyagi would fly back to the arena. Daniel san would appear and congratulate Mr. Miyagi. Mr Miyagi would pull out a giant pair of chopsticks and catch Daniel san like a fly, then he would flip him out into space. At this point it is prudent to note that Daniel san cannot survive in space without a spacesuit.

Mr Miyagi teaching how to kick ass.Experts have predicted that if Mr. Miyagi opened a world-wide school of awesomeness he would have at least 78 million students within the first three seconds of enrolment. Subjects at the International Mr. Miyagi School of Awesomeness will include how to beat people up and how to become more Asian. Intensive Asianology classes will be held for students who are unfamiliar with the overall Mr. Miyagi culture. To graduate from this presitigious college you will need to kill at least seven bad guys with your bare hands and also possibly a knife or gun.

Upon graduation from the Mr. Miyagi School of Awesomeness you will officially rock and there will be professional recognition in the form of a badge. Gifted students will also be punched in the face. What the hell do you expect from us here, a scholarship? We’re a school of awesomeness, not a charity. The Institute of Mr. Miyagi Rules will pick certain graduates to conduct top-secret international assignments involving death and the King of Asia - all graduates who refuse to accept a mission will be shot in the head.

Mr Miyagi pimpin\' it upLet’s review why Mr. Miyagi is awesome: he is strong, asian, and he invented pelicans. Some scholars have disputed the claim that Mr. Miyagi invented pelicans but these people were all crazy and are now dead. It is important to note that neither Mr. Miyagi or I were involved in the deaths of these scholars. Of course law requires me to state that Mr. Miyagi’s DNA was found at the crime scene, but this irrelevent “fact” has nothing to do with everything Mr. Miyagi says being correct.

Let me put it to you this way gangsters. If you mess with the Miyagi crew some dude is just gonna walk up and stab you in the head. Then you’ll be lying in the gutter with your face stabbed off and the last thing you’ll think of before you die is that you shouldn’t have messed with the Miyagi crew. Then some guy will stamp his cigarette out on your chest and say “seeya, wouldn’t wanna be ya,” then he will say “Miyagi-Side: you and I know it’s the best side.”

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  2. Jul 23, 2008: Newman Blog » Blog Archive » The Dark Side of Miyagi

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