Nerds: do we really need them?

April 12th, 2008 | by sour |

Nerds hang outSometimes I feel sorry for nerds. I find myself thinking things like “these guys aren’t so bad, they just like circumferences, that’s all.” But then one day I was sitting on a bus, and a couple of corduroy clad cumwads got on and started raving on about the dungeons and dragons game they were about to attend. To have a public space taken over by an insane cacophony of nerd shrieks is something I wouldn’t wish on the gayest of faggots. During this painful fifteen minute experience I learned that the main aim of nerds in life is to worship three things: 1) Maths 2) Pepsi 3) The Lord of the Rings. That bus trip triggered a chain reaction of thoughts that allowed me to recall just how annoying nerds can be.

Career options for nerdsTo the average nerd, high school presents a golden opportunity to enrol in all manner of fascinating clubs: from backgammon to volcano building; highschool is the oyster of any motivated nerd. You can usually find these utter morons swaggering about the library with their posse of cyber b-boys. This gang is usually made up of similarly dorkified individuals nicknamed “covalent” and “titration”. Many nerds will graduate and find themselves wondering why they are a complete fucking loser who hangs out with a bunch of fucking retards, and then they remember that they were in clubs like “The Guild of Library Monitors.”

The life of every nerd before 1985 was to escape reality in exclusive nerd holiday locations like Ham Radio, and the Internet. Nerds across the globe were infuriated when normal people started using the Internet for all sorts of essential things like porn and, well nothing else really. Before this historic event, nerds had total control of the Internet. Excavations of historical nerd Internet sites have revealed a simian culture based on newsgroups about Star Trek captains. I am glad the Internet has been infiltrated by the glorious forces of nerd-hatred. Now the Internet can be used for more productive things, like me making fun of nerds.

The disappointing thing about nerds is they tend to do annoying stuff like invent things that we all need and want. That means they get rich. Being excluded from society and taunted daily enables these losers to devote the maximum amount of time to sitting in a dark room and reading about how electrons were invented. Therefore, inventor nerds can often afford to buy baseball bats made from gold, even though their companies eventually get bought by cigar smoking corporate fatcats. This is a disappointing factor of society, as I would like to have seen more overall hatred and oppression directed at people who wear spectacles and recite Monty Python.

Nerds are responsible for the invention of conspiracy theory, and any sizable university contains a few core cells of conspiracy weirdos. Currently George W. Bush is the focus of many nerd Illuminati wank fests. These people actually believe that George Bush, otherwise known as the dumbest man on earth, is actually the genius leader of a worldwide conspiracy aimed at restoring a Mystical Babylon Religion. The guy is fucking illiterate. I hardly think this upright monkey is capable of the outlandish accusations these delusion freaks accuse him of. Conspiracy theorist kids need to take a stroll down to the CBD of any capital city one night, and look at the urine soaked, pamphlet clutching, sandwich-board wearing motherfuckers who always rave on about the coming apocalypse. That’s a scientifically proven way to find out where you’ll be in 10 years if you don’t shut your fucking mouth, conspiracy boy.

Dick Smith should give me money

When nerds get rich, the only thing they do is get in a hot air balloon and try to fly around the world. It’s the stupidest fucking thing on Earth. For the 6.3 million dollars that the average nerd spends flying around the world in a small metal bucket, I could buy a tropical island and a large staff of topless Brazilian maids. I can’t understand why you would brag about flying around the world in a bucket attached to a balloon. There’s not even any windows. What do you get to see? Clouds on a computer screen. Nice work, rich guy: you’re a complete fuckwit. I think all nerds need to be stripped of their entire asset bases because of their tendency to waste money on idiotic balloon games. The confiscated money can then be responsibly used to fund the construction of several casinos and an exlusive “University of Drug Use.”

Another humorous thing about nerds is they actually care about what’s happening when a teacher is talking. These curious critters have been known to sit intently for minutes on end, fixated upon their hero, the admirable teacher. These poor nerds can never understand that the teacher is an historic object of ridicule. The overall objective of school, after all, is to piss on authority whenever possible (and to smoke weed). The only good thing about nerds is that there are a lot of them, and they never get bitches. This means that there are many more women available. I have now scientifically proven that nerds suck. So the only logical conclusion is to take all their money and replace it with sacks of rice.

It would be vastly beneficial for society if all nerds were placed in separate colonies on a series of remote islands. These nerds would be placed in the following categories: “physics,” “maths,” “conspiracy theorists,” and “guys that have posters of dinosaurs on their wall.” These dinosaur people would hopefully be allocated some sort of vulcano or leprosy island. With any luck there will also be a way to convince these nerds to invent a pipeline that directs all of the Earth’s sewerage to the source of their water supply. That way they will forever drink other people’s shit, as a punishment for being interested in chemistry and not wanting any trouble.

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One Response to “Nerds: do we really need them?”

  1. By Ren on Apr 14, 2008

    Heh, Tricky Dicky is a very weird bloke! I had lunch with him at a comms symposium 4-5 years ago.. He spent the time raving about this sled he was building to travel across antarctica to recreate some historic voyage.. Apparently he was making parts of it out of food, so he could cannibalise it as his food supplies ran down, so he could recreate where the original guys had had to kill and eat their sled dogs?!?!

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