Russia: kicks America’s ass

April 14th, 2008 | by sour |

Communism is funRussia is definitely the best country on Earth. Some cool things about Russia include its extreme poverty, massive levels of organized crime, and the nuclear winter it experienced in 1986. Instead of removing the waste from Chernobyl, or just moving elsewhere, the resourceful and elite Russians have simply chosen to pour concrete over it, and pretend nothing ever happened. Russians rule. It is also an objective fact that 78% of Russians are nuclear scientists. Also, 43% are ex-members of the KGB, 63% are in the mafia, and Twelvety-Two% are lesbian popstars.

Gorbachev has a stain on his head.So as you can see, Russia has a lot to offer the average American tourist, like death at the hands of hardened robbers. Most people are content to stick to the well-worn tourist tracks when they visit Russia, and they make do with getting mugged a few times and drinking 73 gallons of vodka. But there’s so much more to see and do in Russia. For instance, Russia has snow, mail order brides, and old drunk men in fuzzy hats. These facts alone make Russia at least fourteen times better than Canada, which has far too many French speaking people in it to be considered a trustworthy nation.

Movies like Rocky IV and television shows like The Sopranos portray Russians as psychotic violent thugs with no emotion or physical weakness. These simplistic stereotypes are of course 114.5% true. Every Russian male is exactly like Dolph Lundgren, even though Dolph Lundgren is Swedish. On a side note, what the fuck kind of name is Dolph? Fucking Dolph. And back to the point at hand, all Russian women are totally fucking hot. Many people may think they have seen a fat ugly Russian woman before, however that person was obviously from a son of bitch traitor dog province such as the Ukraine or Uzbekistan.

Russian People

The retarded and fucked up provinces that abandoned Russia after the fall of communism are officially fucking lame. Therefore, all bad things about Russia shall be unerringly blamed on Lithuania, the Ukraine, and all countries ending with the suffix “stan.” Luckily, there isn’t much wrong with Russia in the first place. Russia already has a perfect and complex organised crime network, and many, many prostitutes. You can also visit one of the country’s abandoned nuclear sites, where patriot missile batteries are officially free to the public. If you use a Russian airline you should also have no problem smuggling your weaponry out of the country, due to Russia’s kickass regime of organized crime.

Russian Nuclear SubmarineRussia has done everything that America has done, except in a crueler, and more fierce fashion. Overall, this makes Russia the best country ever, due to the fact that I’m not even being serious, and that eleven equals four. But seriously, Russia is the only country that has ever properly stood toe to toe with Uncle Sam, and they could still blow up America right now, even though their economy resembles a 29 year old donkey with arthritis and a skin infection. Russia has many more nukes than America, and the last official Russian census recorded a figure of 1.83 nuclear devices for each household.

Russians also had the most elite world leader ever in the form of Boris Yeltsin. Boris Yeltsin’s official diet was 37 million gallons of vodka per second, and he is the only person in the history of the world who has ever beaten Nick Nolte in a drinking match. Towards the end of his reign, Boris was drunk daily, and would often fall asleep in airplanes and television conferences. He would also become confused by any sentence longer than two words; laughing at serious questions, and becoming enraged with people who paid him friendly compliments. In fact, Boris Yeltsin is such a cool and expansive topic that I am officially changing this article to be about him.

** [World leaders and disgraced film stars socialize all the time. They all hang around in a big nightclub called the “yep, it really exists” club. They’re listening to a Spanish guitar song right now, and there’s a delicate blue vase full of flowers on the table, right next to a menu that says “you are a fucking idiot.”]

Borris Yeltsin Drunk Dancing

It’s tough to judge the coolest thing that Boris Yeltsin ever did. The obvious choice is when he fired his entire cabinet, seemingly on a drunken whim. But to appreciate the true eliteness of this guy’s character, I think it’s necessary for us to delve into a more subtle, and ultimately elite chapter of Boris’s life. Here’s a description of a true story the New York Times printed in 1989:

“Dripping wet and clutching a bouquet of flowers in a Soviet police station, Yeltsin stated that unknown assailants had dragged him from his car, pulled a sack over his head, and dropped him 50 feet into the Moscow River. When Yeltsin’s story later fell apart, he conceded that no one had attempted to kill him.”

Yo I am a cool dude manYeltsin had actually been drinking heavily, and had simply fallen into the river. The fact that his initial reaction was to drive immediately to a police station (without sobering up, or even changing clothes) and concoct a totally false assassination hoax as a means of covering up what happened, is just too damn fucking cool for words. Don’t forget, this man would be in charge of the world’s largest nuclear stockpile just 2 years later. Despite the drunkenness, which isn’t usually a desired quality in world leaders, he was actually willing to fabricate an elaborate assassination conspiracy (ie. basically commit fraud) just to hide the fact that he fell in some water. Now that is a commendable lack of morality.

Fuzzy Hats + Eternal Nuclear Winter = RussiaI am also highly impressed with the lack of competency present in the Russian police officers who failed to either notice or care that Boris was blind drunk and had just stepped out of a motor vehicle when he reported this “assassination attempt” to them. But the best part of the whole anecdote is that Boris actually thought he could cover up the embarrassment of falling in a river by making up a story involving the attempted assassination of a world leader. Obviously, Boris’s version of the story generated a lot more media attention than simply “going home and not telling anybody what just happened” would have. Unfortunately, his vodka addled mind was unable to grasp that fact. Long live Boris.

PS. Gorbachev has a stain on his head.

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