Archive for the ‘elite stuff’ Category

Mr. Miyagi: He will kick your ass.

Wednesday, April 16th, 2008

Today we investigate the life of government strongman Mr. Miyagi. Mr. Miyagi is known to have killed at least 94 bad guys in his life and also has won a medal for being an alcoholic. Other achievements of Mr. Miyagi include inventing karate and Japan.

Mr. Miyagi will chop off your face.Mr. Miyagi can solve all problems. Even problems which involve nuclear attacks and the mafia are nothing for Mr. Miyagi. Mr. Miyagi can do anything, including fly. Other things Mr. Miyagi can do include drink 18 gallons of alcohol and break car windows. It is also rumored that Mr. Miyagi invented rice and pelicans. Some observers are quick to note that Mr. Miyagi is small, and they wonder if he is very tough in battle, but the durable Mr. Miyagi has a protective coating of Japaneseness which is able to withstand any attack.

If Mr. Miyagi had to fight against a monster he would win. Even if the monster had super powers, Mr. Miyagi would still kill it. The fight would start out in an arena with Mr. Miyagi and the monster circling each other. The monster would have a spear and Mr. Miyagi would have a weighted net. There would be a large audience wagering quatloos on the newcomer. What I am trying to say is the beginning of the fight would for some reason be exactly like an episode of Star Trek.

Mr Miagi KO enemyHowever, this paltry arena could hold neither a monster or Mr. Miyagi for long. After a while the monster would do a running football tackle against Mr. Miyagi, forcing the elderly Asian man to skyrocket into the air in a gigantic spinning lariat attack that would propel both Mr. Miyagi and the monster through the walls of the arena and out into space. At this point it is prudent to note that both monsters and Mr. Miyagi can survive in space without a spacesuit.

Mr. Miyagi would then chop the monster’s stupid face off with his fists until it was dead and then swim around triumphantly in its blood. This would be a reminder to all the monsters out there not to pick a fight with a karate master. Then Mr. Miyagi would fly back to the arena. Daniel san would appear and congratulate Mr. Miyagi. Mr Miyagi would pull out a giant pair of chopsticks and catch Daniel san like a fly, then he would flip him out into space. At this point it is prudent to note that Daniel san cannot survive in space without a spacesuit.

Mr Miyagi teaching how to kick ass.Experts have predicted that if Mr. Miyagi opened a world-wide school of awesomeness he would have at least 78 million students within the first three seconds of enrolment. Subjects at the International Mr. Miyagi School of Awesomeness will include how to beat people up and how to become more Asian. Intensive Asianology classes will be held for students who are unfamiliar with the overall Mr. Miyagi culture. To graduate from this presitigious college you will need to kill at least seven bad guys with your bare hands and also possibly a knife or gun.

Upon graduation from the Mr. Miyagi School of Awesomeness you will officially rock and there will be professional recognition in the form of a badge. Gifted students will also be punched in the face. What the hell do you expect from us here, a scholarship? We’re a school of awesomeness, not a charity. The Institute of Mr. Miyagi Rules will pick certain graduates to conduct top-secret international assignments involving death and the King of Asia - all graduates who refuse to accept a mission will be shot in the head.

Mr Miyagi pimpin\' it upLet’s review why Mr. Miyagi is awesome: he is strong, asian, and he invented pelicans. Some scholars have disputed the claim that Mr. Miyagi invented pelicans but these people were all crazy and are now dead. It is important to note that neither Mr. Miyagi or I were involved in the deaths of these scholars. Of course law requires me to state that Mr. Miyagi’s DNA was found at the crime scene, but this irrelevent “fact” has nothing to do with everything Mr. Miyagi says being correct.

Let me put it to you this way gangsters. If you mess with the Miyagi crew some dude is just gonna walk up and stab you in the head. Then you’ll be lying in the gutter with your face stabbed off and the last thing you’ll think of before you die is that you shouldn’t have messed with the Miyagi crew. Then some guy will stamp his cigarette out on your chest and say “seeya, wouldn’t wanna be ya,” then he will say “Miyagi-Side: you and I know it’s the best side.”

Russia: kicks America’s ass

Monday, April 14th, 2008

Communism is funRussia is definitely the best country on Earth. Some cool things about Russia include its extreme poverty, massive levels of organized crime, and the nuclear winter it experienced in 1986. Instead of removing the waste from Chernobyl, or just moving elsewhere, the resourceful and elite Russians have simply chosen to pour concrete over it, and pretend nothing ever happened. Russians rule. It is also an objective fact that 78% of Russians are nuclear scientists. Also, 43% are ex-members of the KGB, 63% are in the mafia, and Twelvety-Two% are lesbian popstars.

Gorbachev has a stain on his head.So as you can see, Russia has a lot to offer the average American tourist, like death at the hands of hardened robbers. Most people are content to stick to the well-worn tourist tracks when they visit Russia, and they make do with getting mugged a few times and drinking 73 gallons of vodka. But there’s so much more to see and do in Russia. For instance, Russia has snow, mail order brides, and old drunk men in fuzzy hats. These facts alone make Russia at least fourteen times better than Canada, which has far too many French speaking people in it to be considered a trustworthy nation.

Movies like Rocky IV and television shows like The Sopranos portray Russians as psychotic violent thugs with no emotion or physical weakness. These simplistic stereotypes are of course 114.5% true. Every Russian male is exactly like Dolph Lundgren, even though Dolph Lundgren is Swedish. On a side note, what the fuck kind of name is Dolph? Fucking Dolph. And back to the point at hand, all Russian women are totally fucking hot. Many people may think they have seen a fat ugly Russian woman before, however that person was obviously from a son of bitch traitor dog province such as the Ukraine or Uzbekistan.

Russian People

The retarded and fucked up provinces that abandoned Russia after the fall of communism are officially fucking lame. Therefore, all bad things about Russia shall be unerringly blamed on Lithuania, the Ukraine, and all countries ending with the suffix “stan.” Luckily, there isn’t much wrong with Russia in the first place. Russia already has a perfect and complex organised crime network, and many, many prostitutes. You can also visit one of the country’s abandoned nuclear sites, where patriot missile batteries are officially free to the public. If you use a Russian airline you should also have no problem smuggling your weaponry out of the country, due to Russia’s kickass regime of organized crime.

Russian Nuclear SubmarineRussia has done everything that America has done, except in a crueler, and more fierce fashion. Overall, this makes Russia the best country ever, due to the fact that I’m not even being serious, and that eleven equals four. But seriously, Russia is the only country that has ever properly stood toe to toe with Uncle Sam, and they could still blow up America right now, even though their economy resembles a 29 year old donkey with arthritis and a skin infection. Russia has many more nukes than America, and the last official Russian census recorded a figure of 1.83 nuclear devices for each household.

Russians also had the most elite world leader ever in the form of Boris Yeltsin. Boris Yeltsin’s official diet was 37 million gallons of vodka per second, and he is the only person in the history of the world who has ever beaten Nick Nolte in a drinking match. Towards the end of his reign, Boris was drunk daily, and would often fall asleep in airplanes and television conferences. He would also become confused by any sentence longer than two words; laughing at serious questions, and becoming enraged with people who paid him friendly compliments. In fact, Boris Yeltsin is such a cool and expansive topic that I am officially changing this article to be about him.

** [World leaders and disgraced film stars socialize all the time. They all hang around in a big nightclub called the “yep, it really exists” club. They’re listening to a Spanish guitar song right now, and there’s a delicate blue vase full of flowers on the table, right next to a menu that says “you are a fucking idiot.”]

Borris Yeltsin Drunk Dancing

It’s tough to judge the coolest thing that Boris Yeltsin ever did. The obvious choice is when he fired his entire cabinet, seemingly on a drunken whim. But to appreciate the true eliteness of this guy’s character, I think it’s necessary for us to delve into a more subtle, and ultimately elite chapter of Boris’s life. Here’s a description of a true story the New York Times printed in 1989:

“Dripping wet and clutching a bouquet of flowers in a Soviet police station, Yeltsin stated that unknown assailants had dragged him from his car, pulled a sack over his head, and dropped him 50 feet into the Moscow River. When Yeltsin’s story later fell apart, he conceded that no one had attempted to kill him.”

Yo I am a cool dude manYeltsin had actually been drinking heavily, and had simply fallen into the river. The fact that his initial reaction was to drive immediately to a police station (without sobering up, or even changing clothes) and concoct a totally false assassination hoax as a means of covering up what happened, is just too damn fucking cool for words. Don’t forget, this man would be in charge of the world’s largest nuclear stockpile just 2 years later. Despite the drunkenness, which isn’t usually a desired quality in world leaders, he was actually willing to fabricate an elaborate assassination conspiracy (ie. basically commit fraud) just to hide the fact that he fell in some water. Now that is a commendable lack of morality.

Fuzzy Hats + Eternal Nuclear Winter = RussiaI am also highly impressed with the lack of competency present in the Russian police officers who failed to either notice or care that Boris was blind drunk and had just stepped out of a motor vehicle when he reported this “assassination attempt” to them. But the best part of the whole anecdote is that Boris actually thought he could cover up the embarrassment of falling in a river by making up a story involving the attempted assassination of a world leader. Obviously, Boris’s version of the story generated a lot more media attention than simply “going home and not telling anybody what just happened” would have. Unfortunately, his vodka addled mind was unable to grasp that fact. Long live Boris.

PS. Gorbachev has a stain on his head.

Drugs: Mad fun.

Tuesday, April 8th, 2008

Drugs: Mad fun Most scholars agree: drugs are the best. In fact, professor Smartguy from Elite university in Space recently suggested drugs are responsible for “every good thing that has ever happened.” In response to allegations that good things happened before drugs were invented, professor Smartguy said drugs actually “travelled back in time” and made those things happen. Reports that drugs are responsible for the movie “Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure” have so far been proven true. Unfortunately, drugs were unable to destroy Keanu Reeve’s post Bill & Ted career.

fear and loathing in las vagas

As a good samaritan, I heartily recommend drugs to you. These miraculous things have been proven to solve every problem on Earth - or your money back. It’s as simple as that. Some people believe drug dealers are merciless scoundrels, but that is simply not true. In reality, drug dealers are nice guys who invented all sorts of friendly things, like pillows and sunday afternoons. The most common pastime of the drug dealer is to sit by the lake and dine on tea and scones; this is a Scientology proven fact, so there is no use arguing against it.

Drugs are a necessary addition to the life of anyone who isn’t a flaming turd burgler. A respected Scientologist has recently proven that taking drugs is beneficial. You see, drugs are elite, and you are what you eat. Don’t you want to be made of elite? Well now you can! All you have to do is freebase cocaine, and possibly inject heroin into your bloodstream. Don’t worry if your vein collapses, as God has cleverly provided us with lots of different blood vessels to shoot up in. That guy is always one step ahead.

Once there was an urban myth that drugs kill people. Can you believe that? Some miscreant actually accused drugs of harming God’s children. I will not stand for these ludicrous accusations. You can do as many drugs as you want for the timespan of forever, and you will still retain perfect health. Ozzy Osbourne is a prime example of this fact. So basically what I am saying is drugs are a perfect substitute for exercise, and have precisely zero negative effects. Unless you count “turn you into a rockstar” as a negative effect, which you well might if your name is Gary Glitter.

Here is a photo of my bedroom.

My next point about drugs is extremely important: drugs need to be glorified more in the movies. I know many movies feature horn-inducing women consuming all sorts of drugs, but it’s not enough. Kids need to learn at an early age that drugs are a friendly sort of thing, like a cartoon character or the alphabet. Hollywood already produces a stellar array of drug endorsements - like Charlie Sheen - but they could be doing more. For instance, a movie with “drugs” in the leading role would be a fine idea. I’m not sure what the plot would be, although I assume it would chiefly revolve around footage of a large pile of opium.

Drugs for breakfast lunch and tea.Drugs are often hated on by politicians and unions of angry housewives. That is amusing, since these cookie baking bitches are often hepped up on prescription drugs. Politicians, like the cocaine-addicted-chimpanzee George Bush, are also drug users. Although they are usually addicted to much cooler drugs than their housewife counterparts. These lawmakers and laundry sweepers need to hurry up and understand that drugs fund their goddamn governments, and stop them from realising that nobody gives a fuck about their shitted-out daytime television lives.

Ben Cousins taking drugsOnce you are under the influence of drugs you will find that several things about the world are cooler in a fundamental way: you don’t give a fucking shit about them anymore. Trivial time wasters like “careers” and “love interests” will be brushed aside in your new quest to sit around and look at a wall. Other great things about being a drug addict are “having no money,” and who could forget the timeless classic “being hunted down by a dealer.” Drugs are pound for pound the best thing that has ever happened to society. If something better comes along, like basketball mixed with hoverboards and naked chicks, then all you have to do is add drugs, and it will be automatically better.

I encourage people to take drugs before entering environments like “work” and “automobiles.” If everyone was on drugs, then life would be a lot more straight forward. People would know their roles. Men would meet a female and they’d either have sex, or the man would make the female bring him food - like lions! This is obviously a more efficient and correct method of structuring society, as it allows people like me to do whatever the fuck I want. In conclusion, drugs should be made compulsory for all children, because although most kids seem to be learning, some poor souls are still missing out on the life-giving message that drugs spread.

The first 100 commentee’s will receive an Eat Lard Duke Drug Introduction Pack, this pack includes two bags of grass, seventy-five pellets of mescaline, five sheets of high powered blotter acid, a salt shaker half full of cocaine, a whole galaxy of multi-colored uppers, downers, screamers, laughers. Also a quart of tequila, a quart of rum, a case of beer, a pint of raw ether and two dozen amyls.