Archive for the ‘Enraged Baboons’ Category

Dancing: seriously wtf?

Tuesday, April 15th, 2008

Many years ago - possibly under the influence of psychotropic drugs - humans invented dancing. Ever since then the males of the species have been trying to figure out a way to un-invent dancing, but to no avail. Each year women gain more power over the male sex through the cunning use of dancing. I hate dancing.

Professional Git Attracts the Pussy while DancingIf you are some kind of spastic, then you probably enjoy dancing. Either that, or you’re a woman. Women enjoy dancing because it is the only situation on Earth in which they have an advantage over men. Women know that all straight men are spasmodic dancers, and that is why women enjoy dancing. Women around the world have put countless hours into the “art” of dancing, just so they can be better than men. Intelligently, men seem to have realised that dancing is boring, and isn’t worth the effort, so for the most part they just don’t bother.

Lard Ass DancingIf you walk into a night club and you look around you will see about 100 people dancing. If this is your first time in a club, you will probably become freaked out. Is society really like this? Is there some sort of world wide cult that is dedicated to this seemingly idiotic activity? Of course there isn’t. The only reason people dance is so that they can have sex later on. That is the whole reason for dancing; unless you count the backup reason, which states that “it’s funny to watch stupid people twitch monstrously.”

The moment that an adult male actually makes the conscious decision to begin dancing, is for me the funniest. You will often see a look of worried reluctance on the subject’s face, indicating the intelligent part of their mind telling them to just sit the hell down. This is usually followed by a defiant “What the hey? I only live once,” kind of look, which usually looks something like a cross between a disgruntled rhinocerous and a loser wearing a silk shirt on a dance floor.

People who mistakenly begin dancing are usually thinking something like “So what if I’m a bad dancer? Surely nobody will make fun of me for such a minor thing, and if they do, well they aren’t a nice person!” Well, as the people pictured above and below have discovered, deciding whether or not to dance can be a career decision, so choose wisely. I’m not saying that if you start dancing somebody is immediately going to come out of nowhere and take your picture so that I can put it on this site, I’m merely insinuating it.

wtf are you doing?

But back to the point at hand. Most people find at one time or another that they need to dance in order to get what they want. This is because everyone wants sex, and also because sex is cool. I think the only type of dancing that isn’t dedicated to sex is line dancing. I haven’t quite worked out what line dancing is dedicated to, although I have worked out that it isn’t natural. My expert CSI-Miami analysis of line dancing has also revealed that it is practiced by “fat old freaks” and “people who live in Kansas.”

So yeah, the sex part. Don’t all you dancing idiots think there might be some other way of getting chicks to let you hump them? Perhaps a way that doesn’t involve you flapping your arms about in a gyrating display of idiocy? Let’s be honest here, most people resemble a psychotic flamingo with a skin disease when they dance. Do women really want this? I don’t think so chief. If you can’t pick up a girl in normal life, I highly doubt your chances of succeeding in a sexed up meat market that is populated by people whose profession is to make fun of people like you.

Kick in the NutsHaven’t you prancing losers realised that women use dancing as a sexual weapon against you? It’s quite easy to spot these girls. They are all hot, they wear basically nothing, and they go dancing every weekend. But they never let you take them home. Apparently, they are there “just to dance.” Apparently, they are out and out liars. These chicks get a kick out of denying men. The only reason they are there is to laugh at how pathetic your patented ‘flamingo’ manoeuvre is, and also to get free drinks off you.

So there you have it. Dancing: a worldwide government conspiracy concocted by women in order to laugh at and control men. There is one exception to this, and that is moshing. Moshpits are pretty cool places, and you can get heaps of free stuff there, like wallets, shoes, and a swift blow to the skull. I would like to see moshing taught at the academy of national ballet dancers. In fact, all ballet classes should be abandoned and moshing should be renamed to ballet.

Please note: The effect of psychotropic drugs completely negates everything I have just said. It is a well known fact that everybody who is on ecstasy is a perfect dancer and can officially touch the sky.

Russia: kicks America’s ass

Monday, April 14th, 2008

Communism is funRussia is definitely the best country on Earth. Some cool things about Russia include its extreme poverty, massive levels of organized crime, and the nuclear winter it experienced in 1986. Instead of removing the waste from Chernobyl, or just moving elsewhere, the resourceful and elite Russians have simply chosen to pour concrete over it, and pretend nothing ever happened. Russians rule. It is also an objective fact that 78% of Russians are nuclear scientists. Also, 43% are ex-members of the KGB, 63% are in the mafia, and Twelvety-Two% are lesbian popstars.

Gorbachev has a stain on his head.So as you can see, Russia has a lot to offer the average American tourist, like death at the hands of hardened robbers. Most people are content to stick to the well-worn tourist tracks when they visit Russia, and they make do with getting mugged a few times and drinking 73 gallons of vodka. But there’s so much more to see and do in Russia. For instance, Russia has snow, mail order brides, and old drunk men in fuzzy hats. These facts alone make Russia at least fourteen times better than Canada, which has far too many French speaking people in it to be considered a trustworthy nation.

Movies like Rocky IV and television shows like The Sopranos portray Russians as psychotic violent thugs with no emotion or physical weakness. These simplistic stereotypes are of course 114.5% true. Every Russian male is exactly like Dolph Lundgren, even though Dolph Lundgren is Swedish. On a side note, what the fuck kind of name is Dolph? Fucking Dolph. And back to the point at hand, all Russian women are totally fucking hot. Many people may think they have seen a fat ugly Russian woman before, however that person was obviously from a son of bitch traitor dog province such as the Ukraine or Uzbekistan.

Russian People

The retarded and fucked up provinces that abandoned Russia after the fall of communism are officially fucking lame. Therefore, all bad things about Russia shall be unerringly blamed on Lithuania, the Ukraine, and all countries ending with the suffix “stan.” Luckily, there isn’t much wrong with Russia in the first place. Russia already has a perfect and complex organised crime network, and many, many prostitutes. You can also visit one of the country’s abandoned nuclear sites, where patriot missile batteries are officially free to the public. If you use a Russian airline you should also have no problem smuggling your weaponry out of the country, due to Russia’s kickass regime of organized crime.

Russian Nuclear SubmarineRussia has done everything that America has done, except in a crueler, and more fierce fashion. Overall, this makes Russia the best country ever, due to the fact that I’m not even being serious, and that eleven equals four. But seriously, Russia is the only country that has ever properly stood toe to toe with Uncle Sam, and they could still blow up America right now, even though their economy resembles a 29 year old donkey with arthritis and a skin infection. Russia has many more nukes than America, and the last official Russian census recorded a figure of 1.83 nuclear devices for each household.

Russians also had the most elite world leader ever in the form of Boris Yeltsin. Boris Yeltsin’s official diet was 37 million gallons of vodka per second, and he is the only person in the history of the world who has ever beaten Nick Nolte in a drinking match. Towards the end of his reign, Boris was drunk daily, and would often fall asleep in airplanes and television conferences. He would also become confused by any sentence longer than two words; laughing at serious questions, and becoming enraged with people who paid him friendly compliments. In fact, Boris Yeltsin is such a cool and expansive topic that I am officially changing this article to be about him.

** [World leaders and disgraced film stars socialize all the time. They all hang around in a big nightclub called the “yep, it really exists” club. They’re listening to a Spanish guitar song right now, and there’s a delicate blue vase full of flowers on the table, right next to a menu that says “you are a fucking idiot.”]

Borris Yeltsin Drunk Dancing

It’s tough to judge the coolest thing that Boris Yeltsin ever did. The obvious choice is when he fired his entire cabinet, seemingly on a drunken whim. But to appreciate the true eliteness of this guy’s character, I think it’s necessary for us to delve into a more subtle, and ultimately elite chapter of Boris’s life. Here’s a description of a true story the New York Times printed in 1989:

“Dripping wet and clutching a bouquet of flowers in a Soviet police station, Yeltsin stated that unknown assailants had dragged him from his car, pulled a sack over his head, and dropped him 50 feet into the Moscow River. When Yeltsin’s story later fell apart, he conceded that no one had attempted to kill him.”

Yo I am a cool dude manYeltsin had actually been drinking heavily, and had simply fallen into the river. The fact that his initial reaction was to drive immediately to a police station (without sobering up, or even changing clothes) and concoct a totally false assassination hoax as a means of covering up what happened, is just too damn fucking cool for words. Don’t forget, this man would be in charge of the world’s largest nuclear stockpile just 2 years later. Despite the drunkenness, which isn’t usually a desired quality in world leaders, he was actually willing to fabricate an elaborate assassination conspiracy (ie. basically commit fraud) just to hide the fact that he fell in some water. Now that is a commendable lack of morality.

Fuzzy Hats + Eternal Nuclear Winter = RussiaI am also highly impressed with the lack of competency present in the Russian police officers who failed to either notice or care that Boris was blind drunk and had just stepped out of a motor vehicle when he reported this “assassination attempt” to them. But the best part of the whole anecdote is that Boris actually thought he could cover up the embarrassment of falling in a river by making up a story involving the attempted assassination of a world leader. Obviously, Boris’s version of the story generated a lot more media attention than simply “going home and not telling anybody what just happened” would have. Unfortunately, his vodka addled mind was unable to grasp that fact. Long live Boris.

PS. Gorbachev has a stain on his head.

Nerds: do we really need them?

Saturday, April 12th, 2008

Nerds hang outSometimes I feel sorry for nerds. I find myself thinking things like “these guys aren’t so bad, they just like circumferences, that’s all.” But then one day I was sitting on a bus, and a couple of corduroy clad cumwads got on and started raving on about the dungeons and dragons game they were about to attend. To have a public space taken over by an insane cacophony of nerd shrieks is something I wouldn’t wish on the gayest of faggots. During this painful fifteen minute experience I learned that the main aim of nerds in life is to worship three things: 1) Maths 2) Pepsi 3) The Lord of the Rings. That bus trip triggered a chain reaction of thoughts that allowed me to recall just how annoying nerds can be.

Career options for nerdsTo the average nerd, high school presents a golden opportunity to enrol in all manner of fascinating clubs: from backgammon to volcano building; highschool is the oyster of any motivated nerd. You can usually find these utter morons swaggering about the library with their posse of cyber b-boys. This gang is usually made up of similarly dorkified individuals nicknamed “covalent” and “titration”. Many nerds will graduate and find themselves wondering why they are a complete fucking loser who hangs out with a bunch of fucking retards, and then they remember that they were in clubs like “The Guild of Library Monitors.”

The life of every nerd before 1985 was to escape reality in exclusive nerd holiday locations like Ham Radio, and the Internet. Nerds across the globe were infuriated when normal people started using the Internet for all sorts of essential things like porn and, well nothing else really. Before this historic event, nerds had total control of the Internet. Excavations of historical nerd Internet sites have revealed a simian culture based on newsgroups about Star Trek captains. I am glad the Internet has been infiltrated by the glorious forces of nerd-hatred. Now the Internet can be used for more productive things, like me making fun of nerds.

The disappointing thing about nerds is they tend to do annoying stuff like invent things that we all need and want. That means they get rich. Being excluded from society and taunted daily enables these losers to devote the maximum amount of time to sitting in a dark room and reading about how electrons were invented. Therefore, inventor nerds can often afford to buy baseball bats made from gold, even though their companies eventually get bought by cigar smoking corporate fatcats. This is a disappointing factor of society, as I would like to have seen more overall hatred and oppression directed at people who wear spectacles and recite Monty Python.

Nerds are responsible for the invention of conspiracy theory, and any sizable university contains a few core cells of conspiracy weirdos. Currently George W. Bush is the focus of many nerd Illuminati wank fests. These people actually believe that George Bush, otherwise known as the dumbest man on earth, is actually the genius leader of a worldwide conspiracy aimed at restoring a Mystical Babylon Religion. The guy is fucking illiterate. I hardly think this upright monkey is capable of the outlandish accusations these delusion freaks accuse him of. Conspiracy theorist kids need to take a stroll down to the CBD of any capital city one night, and look at the urine soaked, pamphlet clutching, sandwich-board wearing motherfuckers who always rave on about the coming apocalypse. That’s a scientifically proven way to find out where you’ll be in 10 years if you don’t shut your fucking mouth, conspiracy boy.

Dick Smith should give me money

When nerds get rich, the only thing they do is get in a hot air balloon and try to fly around the world. It’s the stupidest fucking thing on Earth. For the 6.3 million dollars that the average nerd spends flying around the world in a small metal bucket, I could buy a tropical island and a large staff of topless Brazilian maids. I can’t understand why you would brag about flying around the world in a bucket attached to a balloon. There’s not even any windows. What do you get to see? Clouds on a computer screen. Nice work, rich guy: you’re a complete fuckwit. I think all nerds need to be stripped of their entire asset bases because of their tendency to waste money on idiotic balloon games. The confiscated money can then be responsibly used to fund the construction of several casinos and an exlusive “University of Drug Use.”

Another humorous thing about nerds is they actually care about what’s happening when a teacher is talking. These curious critters have been known to sit intently for minutes on end, fixated upon their hero, the admirable teacher. These poor nerds can never understand that the teacher is an historic object of ridicule. The overall objective of school, after all, is to piss on authority whenever possible (and to smoke weed). The only good thing about nerds is that there are a lot of them, and they never get bitches. This means that there are many more women available. I have now scientifically proven that nerds suck. So the only logical conclusion is to take all their money and replace it with sacks of rice.

It would be vastly beneficial for society if all nerds were placed in separate colonies on a series of remote islands. These nerds would be placed in the following categories: “physics,” “maths,” “conspiracy theorists,” and “guys that have posters of dinosaurs on their wall.” These dinosaur people would hopefully be allocated some sort of vulcano or leprosy island. With any luck there will also be a way to convince these nerds to invent a pipeline that directs all of the Earth’s sewerage to the source of their water supply. That way they will forever drink other people’s shit, as a punishment for being interested in chemistry and not wanting any trouble.

Drugs: Mad fun.

Tuesday, April 8th, 2008

Drugs: Mad fun Most scholars agree: drugs are the best. In fact, professor Smartguy from Elite university in Space recently suggested drugs are responsible for “every good thing that has ever happened.” In response to allegations that good things happened before drugs were invented, professor Smartguy said drugs actually “travelled back in time” and made those things happen. Reports that drugs are responsible for the movie “Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure” have so far been proven true. Unfortunately, drugs were unable to destroy Keanu Reeve’s post Bill & Ted career.

fear and loathing in las vagas

As a good samaritan, I heartily recommend drugs to you. These miraculous things have been proven to solve every problem on Earth - or your money back. It’s as simple as that. Some people believe drug dealers are merciless scoundrels, but that is simply not true. In reality, drug dealers are nice guys who invented all sorts of friendly things, like pillows and sunday afternoons. The most common pastime of the drug dealer is to sit by the lake and dine on tea and scones; this is a Scientology proven fact, so there is no use arguing against it.

Drugs are a necessary addition to the life of anyone who isn’t a flaming turd burgler. A respected Scientologist has recently proven that taking drugs is beneficial. You see, drugs are elite, and you are what you eat. Don’t you want to be made of elite? Well now you can! All you have to do is freebase cocaine, and possibly inject heroin into your bloodstream. Don’t worry if your vein collapses, as God has cleverly provided us with lots of different blood vessels to shoot up in. That guy is always one step ahead.

Once there was an urban myth that drugs kill people. Can you believe that? Some miscreant actually accused drugs of harming God’s children. I will not stand for these ludicrous accusations. You can do as many drugs as you want for the timespan of forever, and you will still retain perfect health. Ozzy Osbourne is a prime example of this fact. So basically what I am saying is drugs are a perfect substitute for exercise, and have precisely zero negative effects. Unless you count “turn you into a rockstar” as a negative effect, which you well might if your name is Gary Glitter.

Here is a photo of my bedroom.

My next point about drugs is extremely important: drugs need to be glorified more in the movies. I know many movies feature horn-inducing women consuming all sorts of drugs, but it’s not enough. Kids need to learn at an early age that drugs are a friendly sort of thing, like a cartoon character or the alphabet. Hollywood already produces a stellar array of drug endorsements - like Charlie Sheen - but they could be doing more. For instance, a movie with “drugs” in the leading role would be a fine idea. I’m not sure what the plot would be, although I assume it would chiefly revolve around footage of a large pile of opium.

Drugs for breakfast lunch and tea.Drugs are often hated on by politicians and unions of angry housewives. That is amusing, since these cookie baking bitches are often hepped up on prescription drugs. Politicians, like the cocaine-addicted-chimpanzee George Bush, are also drug users. Although they are usually addicted to much cooler drugs than their housewife counterparts. These lawmakers and laundry sweepers need to hurry up and understand that drugs fund their goddamn governments, and stop them from realising that nobody gives a fuck about their shitted-out daytime television lives.

Ben Cousins taking drugsOnce you are under the influence of drugs you will find that several things about the world are cooler in a fundamental way: you don’t give a fucking shit about them anymore. Trivial time wasters like “careers” and “love interests” will be brushed aside in your new quest to sit around and look at a wall. Other great things about being a drug addict are “having no money,” and who could forget the timeless classic “being hunted down by a dealer.” Drugs are pound for pound the best thing that has ever happened to society. If something better comes along, like basketball mixed with hoverboards and naked chicks, then all you have to do is add drugs, and it will be automatically better.

I encourage people to take drugs before entering environments like “work” and “automobiles.” If everyone was on drugs, then life would be a lot more straight forward. People would know their roles. Men would meet a female and they’d either have sex, or the man would make the female bring him food - like lions! This is obviously a more efficient and correct method of structuring society, as it allows people like me to do whatever the fuck I want. In conclusion, drugs should be made compulsory for all children, because although most kids seem to be learning, some poor souls are still missing out on the life-giving message that drugs spread.

The first 100 commentee’s will receive an Eat Lard Duke Drug Introduction Pack, this pack includes two bags of grass, seventy-five pellets of mescaline, five sheets of high powered blotter acid, a salt shaker half full of cocaine, a whole galaxy of multi-colored uppers, downers, screamers, laughers. Also a quart of tequila, a quart of rum, a case of beer, a pint of raw ether and two dozen amyls.