Dancing: seriously wtf?

Tuesday, April 15th, 2008

Many years ago - possibly under the influence of psychotropic drugs - humans invented dancing. Ever since then the males of the species have been trying to figure out a way to un-invent dancing, but to no avail. Each year women gain more power over the male sex through the cunning use of dancing. I hate dancing.

Professional Git Attracts the Pussy while DancingIf you are some kind of spastic, then you probably enjoy dancing. Either that, or you’re a woman. Women enjoy dancing because it is the only situation on Earth in which they have an advantage over men. Women know that all straight men are spasmodic dancers, and that is why women enjoy dancing. Women around the world have put countless hours into the “art” of dancing, just so they can be better than men. Intelligently, men seem to have realised that dancing is boring, and isn’t worth the effort, so for the most part they just don’t bother.

Lard Ass DancingIf you walk into a night club and you look around you will see about 100 people dancing. If this is your first time in a club, you will probably become freaked out. Is society really like this? Is there some sort of world wide cult that is dedicated to this seemingly idiotic activity? Of course there isn’t. The only reason people dance is so that they can have sex later on. That is the whole reason for dancing; unless you count the backup reason, which states that “it’s funny to watch stupid people twitch monstrously.”

The moment that an adult male actually makes the conscious decision to begin dancing, is for me the funniest. You will often see a look of worried reluctance on the subject’s face, indicating the intelligent part of their mind telling them to just sit the hell down. This is usually followed by a defiant “What the hey? I only live once,” kind of look, which usually looks something like a cross between a disgruntled rhinocerous and a loser wearing a silk shirt on a dance floor.

People who mistakenly begin dancing are usually thinking something like “So what if I’m a bad dancer? Surely nobody will make fun of me for such a minor thing, and if they do, well they aren’t a nice person!” Well, as the people pictured above and below have discovered, deciding whether or not to dance can be a career decision, so choose wisely. I’m not saying that if you start dancing somebody is immediately going to come out of nowhere and take your picture so that I can put it on this site, I’m merely insinuating it.

wtf are you doing?

But back to the point at hand. Most people find at one time or another that they need to dance in order to get what they want. This is because everyone wants sex, and also because sex is cool. I think the only type of dancing that isn’t dedicated to sex is line dancing. I haven’t quite worked out what line dancing is dedicated to, although I have worked out that it isn’t natural. My expert CSI-Miami analysis of line dancing has also revealed that it is practiced by “fat old freaks” and “people who live in Kansas.”

So yeah, the sex part. Don’t all you dancing idiots think there might be some other way of getting chicks to let you hump them? Perhaps a way that doesn’t involve you flapping your arms about in a gyrating display of idiocy? Let’s be honest here, most people resemble a psychotic flamingo with a skin disease when they dance. Do women really want this? I don’t think so chief. If you can’t pick up a girl in normal life, I highly doubt your chances of succeeding in a sexed up meat market that is populated by people whose profession is to make fun of people like you.

Kick in the NutsHaven’t you prancing losers realised that women use dancing as a sexual weapon against you? It’s quite easy to spot these girls. They are all hot, they wear basically nothing, and they go dancing every weekend. But they never let you take them home. Apparently, they are there “just to dance.” Apparently, they are out and out liars. These chicks get a kick out of denying men. The only reason they are there is to laugh at how pathetic your patented ‘flamingo’ manoeuvre is, and also to get free drinks off you.

So there you have it. Dancing: a worldwide government conspiracy concocted by women in order to laugh at and control men. There is one exception to this, and that is moshing. Moshpits are pretty cool places, and you can get heaps of free stuff there, like wallets, shoes, and a swift blow to the skull. I would like to see moshing taught at the academy of national ballet dancers. In fact, all ballet classes should be abandoned and moshing should be renamed to ballet.

Please note: The effect of psychotropic drugs completely negates everything I have just said. It is a well known fact that everybody who is on ecstasy is a perfect dancer and can officially touch the sky.