Environmentalists: Unstable Freaks.

Wednesday, June 25th, 2008

Close your eyes and let your imagination take you away to a pristine wonderland of fire flies and protest marches. Where all people are treated kindly, and greeted with a friendly Elven melody and picnic by the lake. The primary goals of this mystical society are to worship squirrels and consume seaweed, and everyone walks around in robes, chanting like an injured whale. If you decided that all this magical land talk is flagrantly shit, then you might be wondering what the deal is with these goddamn environmentalists. They’re so fucking stupid. The first thing that comes to mind about environmentalists is they are all statistically proven dickwads, and the second is their rank bodily odor.

Most hippies will tell you it’s evil to eat animals. This is because they are missing a chromosome. Lions eat other animals all the time, and I don’t see any stank environment hoes going up to lions and saying, “excuse me, um lion? could you like, stop eating animals? k thanx”. And it’s not like humans eat the rarest animals. Restaurants don’t serve any goddamn “ornate eagle ray” burgers, or “Siberian tiger” milkshakes. I don’t see “cows” or “sheep” on the endangered species list, and although hen’s teeth are rare, I’m pretty sure that’s because hens don’t fucking have teeth–not because chickens are extinct. So the next time some vegetarian complains to me about the meat I’m eating, I will spit my half chewed panda burger at her goddamn eye.

Pandas, Tigers, Ornate Eagle Rays: nobody even eats this stuff.

Most hippies originally gain their psychotic tree loving urges at second rate universities, where they enrol in, and fail, arts degrees. The general kick ass nature of modern universities ensures that loser freshmen will be automagically excluded from all forms of social activity. This turns their first year of study into a resounding disappointment. So the next year, as a form of social self defence, these mentally malformed miscreants tend to join left wing organisations, like tree loving societies and communist crews. Communist crews usually don’t have the same stigma of tree sex that hippie groups typically exude, but they deserve a mention because their membership is also comprised of people who you used to beat up in highschool.

Over the years there have been thousands of tree fucking societies, but the only plan they ever come up with is to get arrested on camera while yelling about Ghandi. It is the same plan every goddamn time. I often wonder what goes down in these planning rooms. I think the main guy would say something like: “Hey, remember how we protested about 74 times, accomplished nothing, and got the shit beaten out of us by the cops? Well we could solve global warming by doing that again!” Expert officials were quick to warn these protesting idiots that nobody gave a fuck about their goddamn ramblings, however hippies have been slow to heed this advice. Some inside sources say this is because hippies are fucking lobotomized hamsters.

Strip Mines are a perfectly logical part of preserving our Earth, as is seal clubbing.

Environmentalists were cool in the ’60s, when they used drugs and women. But now they’re a bunch of pansies that annoy me. The most annoying hippy subset is the political hippy. The average hippy politician has what he feels is a solid platform of policies, which basically consist of chanting “trees make air” repeatedly, while masturbating and listening to Enya. Environmentalism would be cool if more drug dealers and rock stars supported it, but that would require hippy politics to involve things like chopping down trees with platinum chainsaws while snorting cocaine and listening to Iron Maiden. And I don’t think that gels with the average hippy’s political mindset, which, by all accounts, revolves around a hallucination of four gay leprechauns square-dancing in a barn.

Environmentalists also hate zoos, and all zoo-like establishments. What the fuck is wrong with a zoo-like establishment? Haven’t you ever seen a lion sitting around in a tiny cage all day? Those guys just love that shit! In the wild, lions live in cages anyway, so I don’t know what the hell these tree fucking insect collectors are going on about. Strung out hippies rave on about how keeping pets is mean. But I have some news for these lice infested motherfuckers: I don’t think many cats complain about living in an air conditioned house, as opposed to cozy residences in a sewer with the delicious gourmet meal of a diseased rat corpse. Next these hippies will propose a ban of technology and a return to life on the land, then society can finally dismiss everything they ever say, because they will have become Amish.

See how happy this caged lion is? Also note how radiant this whale carcass looks.

Hippies are also opposed to harpooning whales. Do we really want to sacrifice the lucrative global blubber industry just so a few million pieces of rubber can send retarded sonar vibrations around the ocean? The proper answer is no. Any fool can see that it’s politically correct to rid the ocean of all whales. This will finally allow a sacred alliance of giant squid to rule the seven seas. Also, if it turns out that we actually needed whales for something, like a giant wall of aquatic sand bags, then it’s not like we won’t be able to grow one in a laboratory by next June. As soon as Christopher Reeve makes it okay for humans to build biological monstrosities, then scientists can make all the whales you want. You can even take home a cloned gerbil, on the house–you beast loving son of a bitch.

Perhaps the most damning thing about enviro-scum is that they have some mysterious opposition to the basic human right of mining nuclear material. How the hell are we supposed to give the world it’s critical supply of explosions if we’re not allowed to pursue God’s pristine aim of stripping the Earth to its barren core? If we aren’t allowed to mine uranium or plutonium, then what the fuck are we going to mine? Pandas? I don’t think so buddy. It has now been conclusively proven by a worldological expert that hippies are boring losers. In fact, if you look up page 743 of the Concise Yo Wassup Dictionary, you’ll find a picture of me cutting a fucking tree in half with a sword.