Gambling: Domain of the mouse-minded.

Wednesday, June 25th, 2008

Kids need to learn more about life at a younger age. That’s why I want them to serve as croupiers in casinos. Gambling can teach a kid wonderful things about life, such as the fact that your entire destiny is cruelly based on some random chance. Ethiopian kids will be able to put their lives in a much better perspective if they realise that their chances of being born in a rich part of the world were like those in a game of craps. And they rolled a pair of snake eyes. No need to feel bad about it boys, just drown your sorrows in the alcohol that, as native Ethiopians, you cannot even afford.

But we’re not here to discuss poverty stricken Africans. We’re here to learn about gambling. The best thing about gambling is that it involves rewards that come without effort, and the second best is that you can speed up this process by cheating. Usually you shouldn’t cheat at a casino, because they have lots of excellent anti-cheat measures, which you have no doubt seen in the scientific documentary “Casino”. The best places to cheat are at illegal gambling dens, where everyone carries a six-shooter and wears spurs. It may seem risky to cheat at these places, however, luckily they are usually populated by the dregs of society, who are too busy soaking themselves in bottom-shelf bourbon to pay any attention to your cheating ways.

World History of Gambling

If you have ever been to a casino though, you know what I mean when I talk about desperate freaks. The places are filled with what look like used car salesman, betting the house on one final shot at a chance to own a third share in a prize greyhound syndicate. Always with the syndicates. Gambling people are obsessed with that type of shit. They keep detailed logs of their exploits, noting precise figures about hands dealt, hands lost, and of course profit. We had to come to profit eventually, and it’s the funniest part. These brain-dead hyenas go to the trouble of keeping logs for years on end, yet at no point during that period do they find the time to note that they have earnt precisely minus a hundred thousand dollars in the last three years. They just keep on going, hoping things will get better; like a beaten wife, three years into an abusive relationship.

So what you have is a bunch of fucking delusional freaks running around the casino, clutching next week’s pay check, which they got on credit by hocking their TV set, and they’re all trying to believe that this night will be any different from the other. It’s pretty fun to watch these sad creatures, and every time I see somebody lose it all, I wonder why there aren’t more Columbine-like scenarios in Casinos. After some consideration, I have scientifically concluded that the reason is because Casinos were officially invented by organised crime. Not even a psycho fucks with organised crime.

Corporate Crime Mob War Lords

That’s a great part of casino culture: even if you have no gangster friends of your own, you can at least have the privilege of hanging out in a gangster-owned establishment. And, if you are lucky, you will be able to take heaps of gangster money [and towels, soap, bed linen, pillows, television sets, bedside dressers, etc.] home with you. This method of (il)legitimately ripping off gangsters has officially been named the “haha, you can’t do anything about it” method of doing business, and has proven popular with people who drive decked-out white Cadillacs down the Vegas strip while under the influence of ether, lsd, and mescaline.

Another fun thing to do at casinos is make up all types of weird shit in order to confuse people who actually take it seriously. Instead of saying things like “snake eyes” to acknowledge a pair of 1’s, I like to shout something like “triple white-rhino”, or “moose-hoof twelve”. I think this fits in with my overall career goal of finally becoming a bingo announcer. Instead of saying things like “legs eleven,” I will stick to more helpful and socially responsible commentary, such as “Hahahahaha. You are all old. So the competition is over, and I have won.” Hopefully the old people would then return to their wallet making duties as I made off with the loot.

[ PLEASE NOTE: After an urgent scientific enquiry, I have decided to classify gambling as “shit”, because although gambling can be fun at times, the best part of it is to just watch the addicted people lose their houses. In a depressing, yet astoundingly funny way, it makes me realise how fucking pathetic 16.5% of society really is. PS. Mobsters rule. ]