Environmentalists: Unstable Freaks.

Wednesday, June 25th, 2008

Close your eyes and let your imagination take you away to a pristine wonderland of fire flies and protest marches. Where all people are treated kindly, and greeted with a friendly Elven melody and picnic by the lake. The primary goals of this mystical society are to worship squirrels and consume seaweed, and everyone walks around in robes, chanting like an injured whale. If you decided that all this magical land talk is flagrantly shit, then you might be wondering what the deal is with these goddamn environmentalists. They’re so fucking stupid. The first thing that comes to mind about environmentalists is they are all statistically proven dickwads, and the second is their rank bodily odor.

Most hippies will tell you it’s evil to eat animals. This is because they are missing a chromosome. Lions eat other animals all the time, and I don’t see any stank environment hoes going up to lions and saying, “excuse me, um lion? could you like, stop eating animals? k thanx”. And it’s not like humans eat the rarest animals. Restaurants don’t serve any goddamn “ornate eagle ray” burgers, or “Siberian tiger” milkshakes. I don’t see “cows” or “sheep” on the endangered species list, and although hen’s teeth are rare, I’m pretty sure that’s because hens don’t fucking have teeth–not because chickens are extinct. So the next time some vegetarian complains to me about the meat I’m eating, I will spit my half chewed panda burger at her goddamn eye.

Pandas, Tigers, Ornate Eagle Rays: nobody even eats this stuff.

Most hippies originally gain their psychotic tree loving urges at second rate universities, where they enrol in, and fail, arts degrees. The general kick ass nature of modern universities ensures that loser freshmen will be automagically excluded from all forms of social activity. This turns their first year of study into a resounding disappointment. So the next year, as a form of social self defence, these mentally malformed miscreants tend to join left wing organisations, like tree loving societies and communist crews. Communist crews usually don’t have the same stigma of tree sex that hippie groups typically exude, but they deserve a mention because their membership is also comprised of people who you used to beat up in highschool.

Over the years there have been thousands of tree fucking societies, but the only plan they ever come up with is to get arrested on camera while yelling about Ghandi. It is the same plan every goddamn time. I often wonder what goes down in these planning rooms. I think the main guy would say something like: “Hey, remember how we protested about 74 times, accomplished nothing, and got the shit beaten out of us by the cops? Well we could solve global warming by doing that again!” Expert officials were quick to warn these protesting idiots that nobody gave a fuck about their goddamn ramblings, however hippies have been slow to heed this advice. Some inside sources say this is because hippies are fucking lobotomized hamsters.

Strip Mines are a perfectly logical part of preserving our Earth, as is seal clubbing.

Environmentalists were cool in the ’60s, when they used drugs and women. But now they’re a bunch of pansies that annoy me. The most annoying hippy subset is the political hippy. The average hippy politician has what he feels is a solid platform of policies, which basically consist of chanting “trees make air” repeatedly, while masturbating and listening to Enya. Environmentalism would be cool if more drug dealers and rock stars supported it, but that would require hippy politics to involve things like chopping down trees with platinum chainsaws while snorting cocaine and listening to Iron Maiden. And I don’t think that gels with the average hippy’s political mindset, which, by all accounts, revolves around a hallucination of four gay leprechauns square-dancing in a barn.

Environmentalists also hate zoos, and all zoo-like establishments. What the fuck is wrong with a zoo-like establishment? Haven’t you ever seen a lion sitting around in a tiny cage all day? Those guys just love that shit! In the wild, lions live in cages anyway, so I don’t know what the hell these tree fucking insect collectors are going on about. Strung out hippies rave on about how keeping pets is mean. But I have some news for these lice infested motherfuckers: I don’t think many cats complain about living in an air conditioned house, as opposed to cozy residences in a sewer with the delicious gourmet meal of a diseased rat corpse. Next these hippies will propose a ban of technology and a return to life on the land, then society can finally dismiss everything they ever say, because they will have become Amish.

See how happy this caged lion is? Also note how radiant this whale carcass looks.

Hippies are also opposed to harpooning whales. Do we really want to sacrifice the lucrative global blubber industry just so a few million pieces of rubber can send retarded sonar vibrations around the ocean? The proper answer is no. Any fool can see that it’s politically correct to rid the ocean of all whales. This will finally allow a sacred alliance of giant squid to rule the seven seas. Also, if it turns out that we actually needed whales for something, like a giant wall of aquatic sand bags, then it’s not like we won’t be able to grow one in a laboratory by next June. As soon as Christopher Reeve makes it okay for humans to build biological monstrosities, then scientists can make all the whales you want. You can even take home a cloned gerbil, on the house–you beast loving son of a bitch.

Perhaps the most damning thing about enviro-scum is that they have some mysterious opposition to the basic human right of mining nuclear material. How the hell are we supposed to give the world it’s critical supply of explosions if we’re not allowed to pursue God’s pristine aim of stripping the Earth to its barren core? If we aren’t allowed to mine uranium or plutonium, then what the fuck are we going to mine? Pandas? I don’t think so buddy. It has now been conclusively proven by a worldological expert that hippies are boring losers. In fact, if you look up page 743 of the Concise Yo Wassup Dictionary, you’ll find a picture of me cutting a fucking tree in half with a sword.

Blogging: It’s for Lard Arses.

Tuesday, April 22nd, 2008

One of the hippest new trends amongst complete fucking tools is to keep a blog with all your suicidal thoughts in it. Blogs are bullshit diaries where some pussy cries about how lame his day was, and how much he hates his life… meanwhile, we’re supposed to read this load of turd every day and provide thoughtful responses. Please. Give me a fucking break. If I ever catch a blogger on the street I’ll give him a Columbian necktie. The sheer amount of people out there who think others are interested in their daily routine is mind boggling.

Now you can show the whole world why no one listens to you.

If you’re a superhero, mafia kingpin, or porn star, I want to read your blog. If not, can you please get a new fucking hobby? I’m sick of all these depressed losers talking shit about how they hate acne and homework. “My teacher sucks,” “My favorite band aren’t playing until November,” “My girlfriend dumped me,” guess what winners?! Nobody fucking cares about your house-brown pedestrian lives; you pigs make me sick - find a new trough to wallow in.

It’s not like teenagers have anything proper to be depressed about. The most important event in a teenager’s life is the MTV music awards. To illustrate my point, here is a simulated blog entry I prepared earlier:

Life is stopid              [Apr 22nd, 2008|07:06 pm]
[ mood |  aggravated ]
[ music | Nirvana ]

Life is so dumb and stopid.

Today my teacher tried to make me do work he is so
stopid who does he think he is doesnt he know girls
just wanna have fun

But no I cant have fun because life is stopid and i
hate everything like this morning i tried to eat my
favorite breakfast which is nutfeast but can u
believe this there wasnt even any nutfeast what is
wrong with my stopid mom??? doesnt she realiz how
important nutfeast is to my broken heart why is life
so dum and hard i just want to have fun like cindi
lauper but now i will haf to kill myself.

sincerely,
cool*raver^gothchick^sparkles:wicca][1987@hotmail.com

link                                      comments [0]

There should be a new law that forces people to have an interesting career if they want to publish a blog. I don’t want to hear about Good Charlotte fans who forgot to do their homework, I want to hear about a kick ass Romanian lion tamer who hunts down Russian criminals for fun on the weekends. I want to read the blogs of Bolivian drug barons, European playboys, and Jewish bankers who rule the world. Instead, all I get is some dumb animal crying about her broken necklace. Fuck the world.

Monkey see Monkey do, go FUCK yourself.

Most amusingly, these blogging freaks think they’re being unique. They all believe that typing a few sentences of garbage each day into a generic template makes them an original website owner. Every single one of these sad monstrosities chooses to ignore the 1,000,000+ other blogs that are languishing in obscurity out there on the web, in the lame belief that their subnormal thoughts will somehow convince the world to drop everything, get to a computer, and focus on their pissy little diary. Christ, what a bunch of morons.

If you observe these depressed teenagers you’ll notice some similarities. They all think they’re highly talented and intelligent. Another predominate trait is the belief that they are different from others and deserve special treatment. But looking closer, we often find their cryptic claims to intelligence are at best dubious. When asked to prove how smart he is, the depressed teenager will usually retract in fear: in his mind, simply declaring himself smart and original was enough to prove he was a genius - he had never considered the possibility of having to demonstrate his abilities.

amen to this.For a bunch of smart people, these depressed freaks often turn out to be surprisingly dumb. They claim to be highly creative and unique, but if they are, then why do they all act the same? They all write sorrowful blogs, they all used to be goths, and they are all total lamers. The only unique thing about these fools is their fingerprints - although these may have been sliced off during their goth phase.

And in a nutshell, that’s the problem with almost every depressed teenager. They’re insecure, stupid little wimps who hide from their shortcomings by pretending to be something they aren’t. They aren’t tortured and they aren’t talented; they’re definitely not unique. They’re just a bunch of average chumps trying to get some cheap attention. They’re chasing the trend, wherever it may lead them. Eternal Fan Boys.

Dancing: seriously wtf?

Tuesday, April 15th, 2008

Many years ago - possibly under the influence of psychotropic drugs - humans invented dancing. Ever since then the males of the species have been trying to figure out a way to un-invent dancing, but to no avail. Each year women gain more power over the male sex through the cunning use of dancing. I hate dancing.

Professional Git Attracts the Pussy while DancingIf you are some kind of spastic, then you probably enjoy dancing. Either that, or you’re a woman. Women enjoy dancing because it is the only situation on Earth in which they have an advantage over men. Women know that all straight men are spasmodic dancers, and that is why women enjoy dancing. Women around the world have put countless hours into the “art” of dancing, just so they can be better than men. Intelligently, men seem to have realised that dancing is boring, and isn’t worth the effort, so for the most part they just don’t bother.

Lard Ass DancingIf you walk into a night club and you look around you will see about 100 people dancing. If this is your first time in a club, you will probably become freaked out. Is society really like this? Is there some sort of world wide cult that is dedicated to this seemingly idiotic activity? Of course there isn’t. The only reason people dance is so that they can have sex later on. That is the whole reason for dancing; unless you count the backup reason, which states that “it’s funny to watch stupid people twitch monstrously.”

The moment that an adult male actually makes the conscious decision to begin dancing, is for me the funniest. You will often see a look of worried reluctance on the subject’s face, indicating the intelligent part of their mind telling them to just sit the hell down. This is usually followed by a defiant “What the hey? I only live once,” kind of look, which usually looks something like a cross between a disgruntled rhinocerous and a loser wearing a silk shirt on a dance floor.

People who mistakenly begin dancing are usually thinking something like “So what if I’m a bad dancer? Surely nobody will make fun of me for such a minor thing, and if they do, well they aren’t a nice person!” Well, as the people pictured above and below have discovered, deciding whether or not to dance can be a career decision, so choose wisely. I’m not saying that if you start dancing somebody is immediately going to come out of nowhere and take your picture so that I can put it on this site, I’m merely insinuating it.

wtf are you doing?

But back to the point at hand. Most people find at one time or another that they need to dance in order to get what they want. This is because everyone wants sex, and also because sex is cool. I think the only type of dancing that isn’t dedicated to sex is line dancing. I haven’t quite worked out what line dancing is dedicated to, although I have worked out that it isn’t natural. My expert CSI-Miami analysis of line dancing has also revealed that it is practiced by “fat old freaks” and “people who live in Kansas.”

So yeah, the sex part. Don’t all you dancing idiots think there might be some other way of getting chicks to let you hump them? Perhaps a way that doesn’t involve you flapping your arms about in a gyrating display of idiocy? Let’s be honest here, most people resemble a psychotic flamingo with a skin disease when they dance. Do women really want this? I don’t think so chief. If you can’t pick up a girl in normal life, I highly doubt your chances of succeeding in a sexed up meat market that is populated by people whose profession is to make fun of people like you.

Kick in the NutsHaven’t you prancing losers realised that women use dancing as a sexual weapon against you? It’s quite easy to spot these girls. They are all hot, they wear basically nothing, and they go dancing every weekend. But they never let you take them home. Apparently, they are there “just to dance.” Apparently, they are out and out liars. These chicks get a kick out of denying men. The only reason they are there is to laugh at how pathetic your patented ‘flamingo’ manoeuvre is, and also to get free drinks off you.

So there you have it. Dancing: a worldwide government conspiracy concocted by women in order to laugh at and control men. There is one exception to this, and that is moshing. Moshpits are pretty cool places, and you can get heaps of free stuff there, like wallets, shoes, and a swift blow to the skull. I would like to see moshing taught at the academy of national ballet dancers. In fact, all ballet classes should be abandoned and moshing should be renamed to ballet.

Please note: The effect of psychotropic drugs completely negates everything I have just said. It is a well known fact that everybody who is on ecstasy is a perfect dancer and can officially touch the sky.

Nerds: do we really need them?

Saturday, April 12th, 2008

Nerds hang outSometimes I feel sorry for nerds. I find myself thinking things like “these guys aren’t so bad, they just like circumferences, that’s all.” But then one day I was sitting on a bus, and a couple of corduroy clad cumwads got on and started raving on about the dungeons and dragons game they were about to attend. To have a public space taken over by an insane cacophony of nerd shrieks is something I wouldn’t wish on the gayest of faggots. During this painful fifteen minute experience I learned that the main aim of nerds in life is to worship three things: 1) Maths 2) Pepsi 3) The Lord of the Rings. That bus trip triggered a chain reaction of thoughts that allowed me to recall just how annoying nerds can be.

Career options for nerdsTo the average nerd, high school presents a golden opportunity to enrol in all manner of fascinating clubs: from backgammon to volcano building; highschool is the oyster of any motivated nerd. You can usually find these utter morons swaggering about the library with their posse of cyber b-boys. This gang is usually made up of similarly dorkified individuals nicknamed “covalent” and “titration”. Many nerds will graduate and find themselves wondering why they are a complete fucking loser who hangs out with a bunch of fucking retards, and then they remember that they were in clubs like “The Guild of Library Monitors.”

The life of every nerd before 1985 was to escape reality in exclusive nerd holiday locations like Ham Radio, and the Internet. Nerds across the globe were infuriated when normal people started using the Internet for all sorts of essential things like porn and, well nothing else really. Before this historic event, nerds had total control of the Internet. Excavations of historical nerd Internet sites have revealed a simian culture based on newsgroups about Star Trek captains. I am glad the Internet has been infiltrated by the glorious forces of nerd-hatred. Now the Internet can be used for more productive things, like me making fun of nerds.

The disappointing thing about nerds is they tend to do annoying stuff like invent things that we all need and want. That means they get rich. Being excluded from society and taunted daily enables these losers to devote the maximum amount of time to sitting in a dark room and reading about how electrons were invented. Therefore, inventor nerds can often afford to buy baseball bats made from gold, even though their companies eventually get bought by cigar smoking corporate fatcats. This is a disappointing factor of society, as I would like to have seen more overall hatred and oppression directed at people who wear spectacles and recite Monty Python.

Nerds are responsible for the invention of conspiracy theory, and any sizable university contains a few core cells of conspiracy weirdos. Currently George W. Bush is the focus of many nerd Illuminati wank fests. These people actually believe that George Bush, otherwise known as the dumbest man on earth, is actually the genius leader of a worldwide conspiracy aimed at restoring a Mystical Babylon Religion. The guy is fucking illiterate. I hardly think this upright monkey is capable of the outlandish accusations these delusion freaks accuse him of. Conspiracy theorist kids need to take a stroll down to the CBD of any capital city one night, and look at the urine soaked, pamphlet clutching, sandwich-board wearing motherfuckers who always rave on about the coming apocalypse. That’s a scientifically proven way to find out where you’ll be in 10 years if you don’t shut your fucking mouth, conspiracy boy.

Dick Smith should give me money

When nerds get rich, the only thing they do is get in a hot air balloon and try to fly around the world. It’s the stupidest fucking thing on Earth. For the 6.3 million dollars that the average nerd spends flying around the world in a small metal bucket, I could buy a tropical island and a large staff of topless Brazilian maids. I can’t understand why you would brag about flying around the world in a bucket attached to a balloon. There’s not even any windows. What do you get to see? Clouds on a computer screen. Nice work, rich guy: you’re a complete fuckwit. I think all nerds need to be stripped of their entire asset bases because of their tendency to waste money on idiotic balloon games. The confiscated money can then be responsibly used to fund the construction of several casinos and an exlusive “University of Drug Use.”

Another humorous thing about nerds is they actually care about what’s happening when a teacher is talking. These curious critters have been known to sit intently for minutes on end, fixated upon their hero, the admirable teacher. These poor nerds can never understand that the teacher is an historic object of ridicule. The overall objective of school, after all, is to piss on authority whenever possible (and to smoke weed). The only good thing about nerds is that there are a lot of them, and they never get bitches. This means that there are many more women available. I have now scientifically proven that nerds suck. So the only logical conclusion is to take all their money and replace it with sacks of rice.

It would be vastly beneficial for society if all nerds were placed in separate colonies on a series of remote islands. These nerds would be placed in the following categories: “physics,” “maths,” “conspiracy theorists,” and “guys that have posters of dinosaurs on their wall.” These dinosaur people would hopefully be allocated some sort of vulcano or leprosy island. With any luck there will also be a way to convince these nerds to invent a pipeline that directs all of the Earth’s sewerage to the source of their water supply. That way they will forever drink other people’s shit, as a punishment for being interested in chemistry and not wanting any trouble.